Bravely Connected

Recently, I had an eye-opening conversation with a young man that got me thinking about how our perceptions shape our relationships. It started when someone from his family reached out to me, worried about his mental state. They suspected he was mentally ill, but as I sat down with him, it became clear that his brain was in chaos not because of a mental disorder, but because of unresolved issues in his relationships.

This is a common occurrence. We often think we have mental health problems when, in reality, our minds are simply overwhelmed by misunderstandings in our relationships. We struggle to organize our thoughts and emotions because we haven’t made sense of our interactions with others.

Our Perceptions Create Our Reality

Each experience we have in life is filtered through our own lens. When I was in my twenties, I lost a job I loved and took it hard. At the time, nothing mattered more to me than pleasing my leaders. Getting fired was devastating. Now, at almost 50 years old, I have the gift of hindsight and can see that my perception of the situation was skewed by my own insecurities and desires to please.

This brings us to an important point: the stories we create about our experiences are often distorted by our perceptions. We try to make sense of shocking events to protect ourselves, and sometimes this means telling ourselves stories that aren’t entirely true.

The Role of Perception in Relationships

In our relationships, both parties are creating their own stories based on their perceptions. People remember us based on their last interactions with us, which can be both a blessing and a curse. I am not the same person I am today when I was in my twenties, and it’s important to allow both ourselves and others the grace to grow and change over time. It doesn’t mean we let people back into the inner core of our lives, or believe what they did was ok. It just means we have a healthy perspective to understand that people can change just like we have. On the other hand, some people never change. Wisdom is knowing both realities exist.

Navigating Relationship Challenges

When faced with relationship challenges, it’s crucial to approach situations with humility and empathy. Recognize that your perception is only one piece of the puzzle, and others may have their own stories and experiences that differ from yours.

For the young man I spoke with, his past experiences were clouding his current relationship. He was projecting his fears and insecurities onto his partner, unable to distinguish between past hurts and present realities. This is where the power of self-awareness and reflection comes into play. In order to move forward in our relationships, guard ourselves from harmful people, and allow healthy people in we need to make sense of our story. How do we do that? That’s what I would like to pass on to you.

Tools for Making Sense of Your Story

1. Write It Down: When feeling overwhelmed, create two columns on a piece of paper. In one column, list what you know to be true about the relational situation. In the other column, list what you are uncertain about. This exercise helps to clarify your thoughts and bring order to the chaos. You can do this for current and past relationships. It doesn’t change reality, but it allows your brain to regulate rather than react.
2. Journaling: Regularly journal about your experiences and perceptions. Writing things down helps your brain process information and gain insight into your thought patterns. Again, the Neurocycle App is incredible for this.
3. Talk It Out: Discuss your thoughts and feelings with a trusted friend, therapist, or coach. Having an objective perspective can provide clarity and help you see things from a different angle.
4. Embrace Growth: Understand that people are capable of change, including yourself. Allow for growth and development in your relationships. Be brave to let the right people in, and to include boundaries you need.

Moving Forward

In our relationships, we must balance our perceptions with an understanding that we only see part of the story. By making sense of our own narratives, we can approach relationships with humility and empathy. This allows us to set healthy boundaries and make informed decisions about where to invest our time and energy.

Remember, your perception is real to you, it is not the entire reality, but your perception is important to acknowledge. Being trauma informed means: What’s your story from YOUR perception. By acknowledging your story, you empower yourself to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships. So take the time to make sense of your inner world and embrace the freedom it brings to you and those around you.