Bravely Connected

As the school year begins, many children and teenagers grapple with anxiety about returning to the classroom. Before I left for my recent holiday, I had the chance to speak to a group of mentors, parents, and concerned individuals at Big Brothers Big Sisters of Calgary and Area. They, like many of you, care deeply about supporting youth who are struggling with school-related anxiety or avoidance.

I shared an approach that can be incredibly helpful if you have a child or student dealing with school anxiety. It’s easy for us as adults to focus solely on the visible behaviour: not wanting to go to school. This was something I personally have experienced with both my boys in their school years.

I coach parents and educators on: the “attune OUT” process. Here’s how it works:

1. Notice the Behaviour

The first step is to observe the behavior without judgment. Is the child avoiding school, frequently complaining of sickness, or showing signs of distress? Whatever you do, resist the urge to focus only on this outward behaviour. It’s just the tip of the iceberg.

2. Understand the Thoughts Behind the Behavior

Every behaviour is driven by underlying thoughts—often many of them. Try to step into the child’s shoes and imagine what they might be thinking. We can’t know exactly what’s on their mind, but empathy allows us to make educated guesses. Some common thoughts that anxious students have shared with me include:

• “I don’t have what it takes to do this.”
• “I don’t know how to make friends.”
• “All the noise and stimuli are too overwhelming.”
• “I’m stupid; what’s the point?”

By understanding these thoughts, you begin to connect with what the child is experiencing internally, beyond what is visible on the surface.

3. Connect with the Emotions Beneath the Thoughts

Underneath every thought is an emotion, and this is where true connection happens. By identifying and validating these emotions, you can help the child move from the reactive, limbic part of their brain to their frontal lobes, where reasoning and problem-solving occur. Some emotions that might be present include:

• Shame: “I’m not enough.”
• Embarrassment: Fear of being judged or ridiculed.
• Overwhelm: Feeling like there’s too much to handle.
• Panic/Worry: Anticipating failure or negative experiences.

When you connect with the emotion, you’re no longer just addressing the behaviour—you’re addressing the root of the issue. This shift from focusing on behaviour to understanding the emotional landscape allows you to approach the child with empathy, creating a pathway for them to express what’s really going on.

Moving Forward with Empathy

Empathy is not just a buzzword; it’s the bridge that can lead children out of anxiety and into a space where they feel seen, heard, and supported. This weekend, I will be emailing teachers and parents a detailed connection plan for the school year that builds on these principles. If you’d like to receive it, fill out the form here and I will share it with you.

Let’s keep bringing those kids closer, one step at a time.