Growing up, I was known as “Connie Chunk.” I was the big girl in school, and I was bullied for it. It’s a story I have shared in school assemblies to students. It was a label I was given that I didn’t know how to shake for many years.
Revisiting Old Wounds
One day, I ran into one of my old bullies who gave me this label. The moment I recognized him, I froze—mentally and physically. Suddenly, I felt like I was back in grade eight. My mind went blank, my body tensed, and a cold sweat overtook me.
In that instant, all I could see was the boy who had bullied me. I struggled to look beyond that memory and see who he had become. What’s ironic is that I teach attunement—looking past behaviours to understand people’s thoughts and emotions. Yet in that moment, my own fight-or-flight response kicked in, clouding my ability to practice what I preach.
The Danger of Fixed Perceptions
I’ll admit it wasn’t easy to shift my mindset, even during that first class. And that’s something we need to recognize—when people hurt us, we often lock in a perception of them, holding on to it as a way to protect ourselves from future pain. While this instinct can serve as a warning system, it also limits our ability to see growth and change in others. Once I processed my emotions, I began to see the person in front of me—not the bully from my past, but a man who was warm, kind, and devoted to his family.
Breaking the Cycle of Judgment
I recently spoke with a principal who shared how easy it is for educators to project past experiences onto students. When teachers encounter a child with behavioural challenges, they often assume, I’ve seen this type before. But when we carry those assumptions, we rob children of the chance to grow beyond their past actions.
This mindset also affects our personal relationships. As the saying goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” But here’s the truth: Hurt people need connection to heal. If we push them away, we reinforce their pain and perpetuate the cycle.
However, setting healthy boundaries is just as crucial. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship—whether with a peer, partner, or even a family member—it’s essential to protect yourself. This doesn’t mean cutting people off entirely, especially when it comes to children. Instead, we need strategies to draw closer with boundaries in place, offering the support they need without compromising our well-being.
I explore this concept further in my book Bring Them Closer, where I outline how to set boundaries while fostering connection with those who need it most.
The Power of Seeing Strengths
In my school visits, I lead an exercise called I See You. Students sit in a circle, and one person steps into the center. The students on the outside share positive observations about the person in the middle—calling out their strengths, rather than focusing on deficits.
Usually, it’s a transformative experience. But once, a grade five boy volunteered to stand in the middle, and instead of highlighting his strengths, the students labeled him the class bully. Even the teacher confirmed it: “Yes, he’s the bully.”
I watched as that boy’s excitement drained from his face. He slumped his shoulders and shrank before my eyes. It was heartbreaking. In that moment, I knew I had to act.
I told the class: “If the only thing you ever see in him is a bully, that’s all he’ll ever be. But if you choose to see something good—some strength buried beneath the behavior—you might just help him change.”
This moment wasn’t just about that boy—it was a lesson for everyone in the room. Strength begets strength. People, especially those who struggle, need even the smallest win to start believing in themselves. And it takes someone noticing and affirming that win to help them build on it.
Shifting Perceptions: The Key to Connection
The way we perceive others directly influences how we interact with them. If we only see their flaws—anxiety, depression, opposition—we lock them into those identities. But if we can shift our focus to their strengths, we give them room to grow.
Of course, this doesn’t guarantee change, but it creates the possibility for it. And that shift starts with us. If we want to impact our families, classrooms, or communities, we need to first examine the judgments we carry.
Judgment is a natural human response—our brains are wired to focus on the negative. But we can train ourselves to notice when we’re being judgmental and intentionally shift our thinking.
The challenge is to see people as more than their behaviours. Instead of labeling, ask: What might they be feeling? What thoughts and feelings are driving their behaviour? For example, beneath gossip could lie feelings of inadequacy or exclusion. And at the root of those feelings? Shame.
Understanding this doesn’t mean we abandon boundaries. You can still choose not to engage in toxic conversations. But shifting your perception—replacing judgment with empathy—allows you to see people as they are, not just as their actions.
Encouragement Creates Courage
As Brene Brown says, “People are hard to hate close up, so lean in.” Connection requires shifting our hearts first—changing how we see others so that they feel valued and noticed.
Encouragement is powerful—it literally contains the word “courage.” When we affirm the good in others, we give them the courage to keep showing up in that way. While we can’t guarantee change, calling out someone’s strengths gives them a choice to rise to their potential.
This process starts with us. To create spaces where people feel seen and valued, we need to confront our own judgments. Our brains are wired to focus on the negative, but small shifts in perception allow us to approach others with empathy and understanding.
Join Me in Creating Bravely Connected Schools
At the heart of the Bravely Connected method is the belief that connection begins with us. As adults, we set the tone by modelling empathy, attunement, and boundaries. It’s not about waiting for workshops or perfect conditions—it’s about showing up and going first.
I am excited to announce that for my 50th birthday, I am launching a foundation dedicated to bringing the Bravely Connected method to schools—removing financial barriers so that all students can benefit from this approach. Education shapes us not just through what we learn but how we feel. Did we belong? Were we seen? These questions influence how we engage with society later in life.
The ripple effect of belonging is transformative. By creating environments where students feel connected, we shape a more empathetic society. If you believe in this vision, I invite you to join me in making it a reality through my GoFundMe campaign. Together, we can build schools and communities where every person feels seen, valued, and bravely connected.
In the meantime, keep being brave enough to face your own perceptions, change your heart first, and model connection for others. This is how we bring the hurting closer, one shift at a time, until every space becomes bravely connected.
Bravely Connected 
Leave a comment