Belonging is more than just fitting in. It’s a deep-rooted connection that makes people more resilient, even in the face of negativity or opposition. But how do we create this sense of belonging?

For two decades, I conducted a social experiment in schools while teaching dance. At the end of every session, I would invite kids into a circle and encourage them to take turns dancing in the middle. The results were eye-opening.

The Surprising Leaders of Belonging

The students who stepped into the centre weren’t the popular or outgoing ones. Instead, they were often socially awkward, anxious, or struggling with challenges like diagnoses that kept them on the fringes of the classroom. These were the kids who took the risk to be seen, despite their fears.

At first, I thought the group was the key—creating an empowering environment allowed these children to shine. While this is partially true, there’s a significant flaw: no group can guarantee a sense of belonging for everyone, all the time.

The Human Flaw in Belonging

When you put people together, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and conflict are inevitable. Even the most supportive group can falter because we all bring our personal perceptions, histories, and insecurities into interactions.

For example:

• One person may believe, “Everyone finds me annoying.”
• Another might think, “I need to dominate to be heard.”

When these stories collide, misunderstandings are almost guaranteed. The key isn’t to depend on others to create belonging but to cultivate an internal sense of “brave belonging.”

Brave Belonging: Weathering the Storm

When you develop inner belonging, you can withstand rejection or misunderstanding. You become resilient enough to show up, love without walls, forgive when it hurts, and keep rising. Without this internal grounding, self-doubt creeps in, and the cycle of isolation repeats:

1. You step out to connect.
2. Misunderstandings arise, reinforcing old wounds.
3. You withdraw, thinking, “I’ll never trust again.”

Each time this cycle repeats, it becomes harder to open up. Walls go up, and not only do we block people out, but we also block love itself.

Recognizing Our Stories

Often, disconnection isn’t about what’s wrong with us. It’s about the stories we carry and how they collide with others’ narratives. To break this cycle, we need to recognize our wounds and ask:

• What story am I telling myself?
• Is this story true, or is it clouded by my past experiences?

Even in the worst-case scenario—if people genuinely dislike you—brave belonging allows you to endure and thrive.

Connection Isn’t Perfect—But It’s Worth Repairing

Human relationships are messy. People fail each other, often unintentionally. Resilience in relationships comes not from perfection but from repair.

Repairing a connection is a two-way street:

1. Your responsibility: Own up to mistakes and seek to mend the relationship, even if it’s uncomfortable.
2. Their choice: Decide whether to forgive and reconnect.

If someone chooses to withhold forgiveness or maintain disconnection, it’s their responsibility—not yours. What matters is that you’ve done your part.

The Power of Brave Belonging: Overcoming Cycles of Disconnection

We all know the risk of putting ourselves out there—of extending a hand only to feel dismissed or ignored. This fear can perpetuate a damaging narrative: What’s wrong with me? Left unchecked, these thoughts create neural pathways that reinforce self-doubt and disconnect us from others. But there’s hope in rewiring those patterns and reclaiming a sense of belonging.

The Impact of Trauma on Belonging

Trauma, whether “big” or “small,” deeply affects our ability to connect. As Brene Brown says, one of the deepest hurts is feeling like we don’t belong in our own families. Moments of judgment or mistreatment—whether verbal, physical, or emotional—can distort our perceptions and build walls that isolate us.

Healing isn’t about masking pain with positive thinking or surface-level strategies. It requires doing the deep work: seeking counseling, rewriting old narratives, and addressing distorted beliefs at their root.

Practical Tools for Inner Healing

If therapy feels inaccessible, tools like the NeuroCycle app can be transformative. Created by neuroscientist Dr. Caroline Leaf, this 63-day program helps bring subconscious toxic thoughts to light and reframe them consciously. While it’s not a substitute for professional help, it’s an affordable and accessible resource to start breaking cycles of disconnection.

Additionally, Brene Brown’s Braving the Wilderness offers profound insights into belonging. By embracing our uniqueness and shedding the pressure to fit in, we can cultivate what Brown calls “brave belonging.”

Embracing Your Brave Belonging

Belonging starts within. When we chase external validation, trying to “fit in,” we often feel more disconnected and anxious. Instead, embracing our true selves creates a deep internal sense of belonging that can transform how we engage with others.

As Brene Brown highlights through Maya Angelou’s wisdom, “I belong everywhere. I belong nowhere. I just belong.” Internalizing this truth allows us to extend love and connection to others—even in difficult circumstances—while maintaining healthy boundaries.

Becoming a Culture Creator

Our inner belonging affects how we show up in relationships and communities. When leading groups, whether as a parent, teacher, or mentor, our energy shapes the environment. Doubt and self-criticism create disconnection, but owning our brave belonging fosters spaces where others feel safe to step forward and connect.

You Are Brave

This journey of brave belonging means discovering who you are. It enables richer relationships, better communication, and a life lived authentically. Even in challenging moments, you can show up bravely, extend forgiveness, and rise above fear.

Your belonging isn’t tied to others’ perceptions. It’s yours—unshakable and intrinsic. Remember, you are brave, and you are beloved. Keep rising.

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