Bravely Connected

The world is changing at a intense pace, and with it, the behaviours of children and teens. As parents, educators, and leaders, navigating these changes can feel overwhelming. Drawing on 25 years of experience in mental health and resilience, this blog post is on understanding behaviour as a form of communication and exploring strategies to connect with and support our youth through my Bravely Connected method.

The Rapid Evolution of Behavior
Over the past two decades, there has been a noticeable shift in behaviours. Technology, the pandemic, and other societal changes have created a distinct difference not only between generations but also within them. For instance, my own children, aged 18 and 14, exhibit unique behavioral traits that reflect the rapid advancements shaping their environment. Even between my youngest son (age 14) and today’s eight-year-olds, there are clear differences in how their brains work and adapt.

We are in the midst of a revolutionary period akin to the Industrial Revolution. The rise of artificial intelligence and rapid technological changes is reshaping not just our economy but also the very nature of human interaction and development. This evolution influences how children think, feel, and behave, making it essential to adapt our approaches to parenting and teaching.

Complex Behaviors and the Need for Connection
The complexity of behaviors today can leave parents and educators feeling at a loss. In my work at a local junior high, I encountered a group of 12-year-olds whose behavior challenged every tool in my arsenal. Despite extensive preparation and even bringing in a hip guest speaker, the students’ disruptive behaviour persisted. This experience underscored the need to approach behaviour not as isolated incidents but as expressions of deeper thoughts and emotions.

The Bravely Connected Method
The Bravely Connected method is a five-step approach designed to foster meaningful connections and address behavioural challenges. While the method encompasses various elements, this blog’s focus is on understanding behaviour as communication.

Interactive Exploration of Behaviors
To better understand behaviour, consider what might be driving it. For example, common disruptive behaviours such as constant talking, aggression, or being glued to phones often reflect underlying thoughts and emotions. This week in a free webinar I hosted, participants shared examples of behaviours they’ve observed: defiance, resistance to school, and inattentiveness. By digging deeper, we can uncover possible thoughts (e.g., “I don’t want to be here,” “I’m uncomfortable”) and emotions (e.g., fear, insecurity, sadness) fueling these actions.

The Layers Beneath Behavior
Behavior stems from more than just surface-level thoughts and emotions; it’s rooted in identity. A child’s core beliefs, memories, values, and even emotional wounds shape their identity and influence how they respond to the world. For example, a once-carefree child might develop self-protective behaviours after experiencing repeated rejection or criticism.

Our task as parents and educators is to help children reconnect with their true selves and foster resilience by addressing these deeper identity pieces. This process involves transforming the grit of life’s challenges into positive actions and thoughts.

Desires, Motivation, and Connection
At the core of understanding and addressing behavior lies the concept of desire. Often misunderstood as superficial or materialistic, true desire stems from basic needs—emotional, psychological, and social. Each child harbours a deep yearning to feel connected, valued, and understood. When we attune to these desires, we tap into their motivation and ability to thrive.

Attunement requires us to step into a child’s world and view it through their eyes. This approach is rooted in interpersonal neurobiology, where understanding someone’s thoughts, emotions, and identity fosters genuine connection. For instance, children often exhibit aggression or avoidance not out of malice but because something has robbed them of their motivation or creativity. They might feel misplaced, insecure, or overwhelmed, leading them to construct defensive behaviors.

When faced with these challenges, it’s vital to shift our mindset from control to relational attunement. Rather than trying to be “right,” focusing on being relational allows us to build trust and open pathways for meaningful dialogue. For example, a group of 12-year-old girls I recently worked with initially displayed disruptive and mean-spirited behavior. However, by walking alongside them—literally and figuratively—I gained insight into their inner worlds and discovered their underlying desire to be seen, heard, and valued.

One memorable moment was when a student who had stirred up significant trouble broke down in tears, revealing a softer side and a longing for connection. Despite outward appearances, this child didn’t want conflict; she wanted to show she cared. This transformation highlighted the importance of attuning to what children truly need.

Attunement extends beyond emotional connection to identifying motivations. For example, a student acting out as the class clown might be seeking validation and leadership opportunities. By channeling this energy positively, we can help such students find fulfillment while minimizing disruptive behaviors. Understanding and responding to these desires takes patience and introspection but ultimately leads to lasting change.

Letting Go of Perfection and Embracing Wholeness
A key realization shared during the webinar discussion was the importance of viewing children as whole beings. One participant reflected on her journey of letting go of perfectionism, stating, “I used to lose sleep over whether my daughter would ever feel competent with school or enjoy it. Now, I see her as whole and recognize these challenges as areas for growth.” This mindset shift underscores the value of curiosity, noticing patterns, and remaining open to change.

The journey of raising and educating children is often messy, like playing in a muddy sandbox. However, by staying attuned and focused on the bigger picture, we can support children through their unique developmental journeys. Change is inevitable as children grow and encounter new challenges, but maintaining a perspective of wholeness helps us show up differently and effectively.

Bravely Moving Forward – Summary of this blog
The Bravely Connected method emphasizes that connection and curiosity are ongoing processes. Challenges in behavior, whether they stem from adolescence, identity struggles, or external pressures, can all be addressed by fostering empathy, understanding, and connection.

Get underneath behaviour by asking questions of what they are thinking and the emotion attached to it, look for what has happened to them that has formed identity, and find out what they really desire.

This is the key to behaviour change and creating intrinsic motivation that lasts.

The Role of Self-Reflection in Parenting and Teaching
Supporting children requires us to look inward. How do our beliefs and reactions influence the way we connect with them? When we model self-awareness, emotional regulation, and vulnerability, we give children permission to do the same.

Parenting and teaching are never about having all the answers but about being willing to grow alongside the children in our care. By focusing on connection, attunement, and understanding, we can guide them toward becoming confident, resilient individuals.