Bravely Connected

In today’s world, we often talk about creating safe spaces. While well-intentioned, they don’t always serve us the way we hope. Many people have experienced trauma, and trauma shapes how we perceive the world. As Bessel van der Kolk describes in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma varies in intensity, but its impact is deeply personal.

Being trauma-informed means honoring people’s stories from their perspectives. It’s not about labeling an experience as “big” or “small”—it’s about recognizing how it has shaped them. The way we process past experiences affects how we relate to others. In any room full of people, the complexities of different backgrounds and emotions make it remarkable that we function together at all. It takes courage to engage in spaces where vulnerability is present.

For too long, our focus has been on safe spaces, but there are gaps in this approach. A safe space, as commonly understood, places the responsibility on others to ensure we feel comfortable. The expectation is that nothing will be said or done that could trigger past experiences. However, this model is flawed—put any two humans in a room, and conflict is inevitable.

Instead, we need brave spaces. These environments build resilience by teaching people how to navigate challenges rather than avoid them. Instead of relying on others to create safety, individuals in a brave space develop the skills to manage themselves.

The Problem with Safe Spaces

A typical safe space follows this mindset: I enter the room, and it is your responsibility to make me feel that I belong. If you say or do the wrong thing, I will be offended. I expect this space to be free of discomfort.

But in reality, no space can be entirely free of tension. When our focus is self-preservation—expecting others to regulate our emotions—we set ourselves up for disappointment.

A brave space, on the other hand, is about personal responsibility. It’s about developing resilience so that we can find belonging within ourselves, regardless of external circumstances. When someone says something offensive or insensitive, a brave space equips individuals to manage their reactions. In psychology, this is called differentiation—the ability to remain emotionally steady regardless of how others behave.

Four Key Skills for Creating Brave Spaces

Whether you’re a leader, parent, teacher, or community builder, developing a brave space requires four essential skills:

1. Curiosity

I’ve noticed that trauma does not unite people—it divides them. Those with shared trauma often see the world through different lenses, leading to misunderstandings and fragmentation. In many communities and schools, I’ve observed that people form tight-knit groups based on shared fears rather than genuine connection.

Curiosity is the antidote to division. Instead of rushing to judgment, we must ask, What’s going on here? What’s beneath this reaction? Behaviour is always communication. When we lean in with curiosity rather than criticism, we create an environment of learning and understanding.

2. Empathy

Curiosity leads to empathy. Once we seek to understand, we can begin to connect on a deeper level. Even if we haven’t lived another person’s exact experience, we can relate to their emotions—abandonment, fear, rejection. By acknowledging their feelings and saying, I can only imagine how that felt for you, we build bridges of trust.

Being trauma-informed means seeing the world through someone else’s eyes. Their experience may not make sense to us, but by validating their emotions, we foster connection and trust.

3. Trust

Trust is built through consistent empathy. In a world focused on behaviour management—whether in schools, workplaces, or families—we often try to enforce change before establishing trust. But real transformation starts with relationship-building. If you want to lead effectively, invest time in building trust with those around you.

4. Relationship

Ultimately, trust leads to strong relationships, and relationships are the foundation for lasting change. Instead of focusing on changing behaviour, prioritize connection. Take time for conversations, listen without judgment, and invest in understanding. Over time, this creates an environment where people feel safe and empowered.

A Long-Term Commitment to Community Transformation

Right now, I am dedicating the next 25 years of my life to community transformation. It’s not a quick project—it’s a lifelong mission. This work starts with curiosity, which leads to empathy, then trust, and finally, deep relationships. True change takes time, but the impact is immeasurable.

If you are a parent, teacher, or leader, I encourage you to shift your focus from behavior management to connection. Instead of expecting compliance, build curiosity. Instead of demanding change, foster empathy. Instead of enforcing rules, establish trust. In doing so, you create bravely connected spaces that lead to authentic transformation.

Let’s move beyond safe spaces and build brave ones—spaces where resilience thrives, relationships deepen, and real change begins.

Keep being brave.