Bravely Connected

The Power of Connection

This week on the blog, I am sharing a secret that will change everything you know about human behaviour. If you are a parent, educator, or leader, this is something you absolutely need to understand. When we don’t know this one thing, we become reactive instead of responsive.

The One Thing That Drives Human Behaviour

Are you ready? Here it is: A human being’s primary goal is self-preservation. That’s it. At our core, we are wired to protect ourselves above all else.

Before you start labeling people as selfish, let’s break this down. Self-preservation means that when we walk into a room, we instinctively scan our environment for safety—physically, emotionally, and mentally. This is a subconscious process, guided by the most primitive part of our brain, the reptilian brain. If we don’t feel safe, we automatically activate self-protective mechanisms without even realizing it.

The beauty of understanding this is that once we recognize our self-protection instincts, we can become aware of them and, in turn, foster deeper connections with ourselves and others.

How Self-Preservation Affects Behaviour

Consider lying as an example. When someone lies, our immediate reaction is frustration. But if we step back and recognize that they are engaging in self-preservation—avoiding trouble, protecting themselves—it gives us a new perspective. While this doesn’t excuse dishonesty, it allows us to approach the situation with curiosity rather than judgment.

Curiosity is key. Behaviour is always communication. If we choose curiosity over judgment, we open the door to understanding and connection. In last week’s blog, I talked about four ways to bring about change and connection:

1. Curiosity – Observing behavior without immediate judgment.
2. Empathy – Understanding the underlying emotions driving behavior.
3. Trust – Building a bridge of trust through empathy.
4. Connection – Strengthening relationships, which then lead to transformation.

Safe Spaces vs. Brave Spaces

A safe space is driven by self-preservation. It is about ensuring personal comfort and avoiding rejection. This is why we naturally gravitate toward groups where we feel most comfortable, forming cliques and tribes. It’s not wrong—it’s just human nature.

A brave space, on the other hand, is where individuals take responsibility for their own belonging rather than expecting others to make them feel safe. However, many people don’t know how to create that sense of belonging for themselves. So, how do we create spaces—whether in classrooms, homes, workplaces, or community gatherings—where people don’t feel the need to engage in self-protection?

Designing Spaces for Connection

1. Physical Space Matters
   In a classroom setting, for example, seating arrangements can either reinforce self-protection or foster connection. Traditional arrangements often lead to fragmentation and cliques. When I worked with a group of seventh graders, I noticed this dynamic and decided to remove the desks, arranging chairs in a circle instead. This simple shift created an environment where everyone was on equal footing, facing each other and engaging directly.
2. Encouraging Face-to-Face Interaction
   In traditional theater-style seating, people only see the backs of heads, creating a one-dimensional experience. Instead, circles and table arrangements encourage eye contact, fostering attunement—the process of tuning into others’ emotions and energy. Attunement rewires the brain, building trust and connection.
3. Training People to Work the Room
   Creating a connected space isn’t just about physical setup—it’s also about social interaction. In every gathering, there should be people who intentionally create connections. If you’re hosting, be that person. Stand, mingle, and introduce people to one another.
   • “Hey, have you met Susan? Susan, this is John! Did you know that John does this?”
   • Once the conversation starts, step away, allowing connections to form organically.
   If you’re a teacher, train student leaders to do this in the classroom. If you’re in a workplace, empower key individuals to foster inclusivity. Connection is an art, and it can be learned.

Reducing Barriers to Connection

Walking into a new space requires bravery. Each person brings emotional memories and past experiences that shape how they engage. Someone entering a classroom might recall struggling in school, impacting how they interact in that environment. Others may carry past hurts from various communities or workplaces. Acknowledging these emotional memories allows us to intentionally break down barriers.

To do this, we must establish cultural norms. Seth Godin’s This Is Marketing emphasizes the power of social norms—”people like us do things like this.” We need to create cultures where connection is expected and encouraged.

For instance, in the seventh-grade class I mentioned earlier, we developed a secret handshake. Every Friday, I would go around the circle and greet each student with that handshake. This simple ritual reinforced belonging and connection.

In events I host, I always set expectations:

• “This will be an interactive experience, but you are in control of your level of participation. Here’s what that might look like…”
• “If you’re new here, know that we have a culture of greeting and engaging with one another.”

These practices disarm self-protection and encourage bravery.

Moving from Self-Protection to Connection

There is a gap between a safe space and a brave space. If we want to move people from self-protection to connection, we must intentionally create experiences that help lower defenses. Small actions—seating arrangements, introductions, cultural norms—can break down barriers and shift people into a place where they can truly connect.

What do you feel you can implement this week that will help foster brave, connected spaces?

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