Moving from Control to Connection
Conflict is something many of us try to avoid, but being bravely connected means learning to face it head-on. In this episode of the Bravely Connected podcast, host Connie Jacob offers a simple, practical approach to navigating conflict through this SHIFT framework. Whether you’re a teacher, a parent, or a leader, these tools can help you build connection, even in the most challenging moments.
The Hidden Power of Presence
Have you ever walked into a room and felt the tension without anyone saying a word? Most of us have. And for many (mostly me), the first instinct is to fix it.
But here’s the truth: You cannot calm the room if you’re the loudest energy in it. When your nervous system is overwhelmed, any attempt to take control or “solve the problem” might make things worse. This is especially true for well-intentioned leaders who feel responsible for maintaining peace and order. But what often looks like control is actually anxiety in disguise—and control, while it may feel like safety, creates disconnection and fear.
Disconnection breeds judgment and self-protection, and ultimately breaks trust. That’s why the real work begins inside ourselves.
Introducing the SHIFT Framework
To respond to conflict with connection, here is a five-step process to guide your inner world so you can better lead others through difficult moments.
S — Settle Your System
When conflict arises, your nervous system goes into overdrive. The first step is to calm yourself before you engage. Remind yourself:
“I do not have to fix this in this moment.”
Recognize where the stress is landing in your body. Identify your emotional state by completing this sentence:
“Right now, I feel ____, and it sounds like this in my head: ____.”
For example, just this week I had to do this.
“I felt panic. The sentence in my mind was, ‘I need to solve this before it gets out of control.’ The behavior that followed? I tried to fix it too quickly.”
Instead, ask yourself:
Is this actually my problem to solve?
H — Hold Space
Your job isn’t to fix; it’s to be curious. Get beneath the surface of the issue. Solutions might be tempting, but offering them too quickly can reinforce control and disempower others.
Try asking powerful, open-ended questions. One of my favourites:
“Do you want to move towards connection right now, or away?”
There’s no wrong answer. Sometimes, stepping away helps us come back to the conversation stronger. Reminding people that they are in the driver’s seat increases emotional ownership and reduces defensiveness.
I — Identify the Invisible
Behavior is communication. When people argue or shut down, there’s usually a deeper fear or hurt underneath.
Don’t get caught in the details—he said this, she did that. Instead, ask:
- What’s the fear here?
- What’s the story they’re telling themselves?
- What emotion is underneath?
We connect at the emotional level. That’s where real repair happens.
F — Frame with Compassion
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you?”, shift to:
“What happened to you?”
This perspective shift, inspired by Johann Hari’s Lost Connections, invites empathy. Use the attune-out process:
- What behavior am I seeing?
- What might they be thinking?
- What could they be feeling?
When you start imagining thoughts like “I don’t feel safe,” or “I don’t trust this person,” you step into their shoes. From there, compassion becomes possible.
T — Take a Small Step
You won’t fix everything today—and that’s okay.
Let go of the pressure to produce instant results. Instead, ask:
“What could help right now?”
“What is the next right thing?”
Small steps are sustainable and build trust over time.
From Conflict to Connection
The next time you find yourself in the middle of conflict—whether with a child, a colleague, or your community—resist the urge to control or solve everything. Instead, SHIFT.
By managing your own energy and leading with curiosity and compassion, you’ll not only stay bravely connected to yourself—you’ll help others feel safe enough to connect, too.
Keep being brave.
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