Rethinking Bullying: Why Our Anti-Bullying Efforts Aren’t Working

Let’s be honest—if our current methods for stopping bullying were truly working, we wouldn’t still be having these conversations. After 25 years of speaking in school assemblies, leading anti-bullying campaigns, and participating in Pink Shirt Day events, I’ve seen that while awareness has grown, real change hasn’t followed.

The problem? We’re focusing on the behaviour of bullying and not what lies beneath it. So how do we get to what’s underneath. Let me show you.

Step One: Attune Out – Looking Beneath the Surface

The first step of the Bravely Connected method is something I call attune out—shifting our focus away from just the behavior and toward the communication that behavior is trying to express.

Bullying behaviors can include:

Exclusion (leaving others out)
Verbal abuse (name-calling, ridicule)
Physical aggression (pushing, hitting)
Digital harassment (hurtful messages on social media)

While these behaviours are serious, they’re only the surface. Behaviour is always communication. And yet, we rarely ask: What is this person trying to say underneath this behaviour?

Let’s break it down with three essential questions:

What are they thinking?
No, we can’t read minds—but we can imagine what thoughts might be driving these behaviours. For example:
- “I don’t feel safe.”
- “No one listens to me.”
- “I don’t know how to handle this situation.”
What are they feeling?
Emotions drive thoughts, and thoughts drive behaviours. When we focus on the emotion underneath, we build empathy and connection:
- Fear may drive aggression.
- Anxiety may cause someone to exclude others.
- Shame may result in lashing out.
How can we respond with empathy instead of reaction?
By identifying emotions and the needs behind behaviours, we can shift from reactive discipline to relational transformation. This helps us reconnect with our problem-solving brain, rather than staying in fight-or-flight mode.

The Power of Empathy: A Classroom Story

I once led an exercise with a grade five class, long before the pandemic. I asked for a volunteer to stand in the center of the circle while the other students called out strengths they saw in him. A little boy bravely stepped forward.

But instead of calling out strengths, the students started calling him “the bully.” One after another. Even the teacher confirmed it. I watched this child physically shrink with shame and embarrassment.

At that moment, we had a choice—to label him as only a bully, or to look deeper.

I encouraged the class to try again: What else do you see in him? What strengths might he have? Slowly, the energy shifted. They began calling out real qualities they noticed. I watched that little boy rise from slumped and ashamed to standing tall again.

This moment illustrated what happens when we look beneath the behavior. When we connect with a person’s humanity—even if that person is showing up in harmful ways—we begin to create lasting change.

Beyond the Behavior: Core Beliefs and Heart Wounds

Bullying doesn’t start with the behaviour—it starts with what’s underneath:

Core beliefs: “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t belong.”
Past memories: painful moments that shape present reactions.
Heart wounds: emotional injuries that haven’t healed.

These invisible layers are often the root causes of bullying. That’s why teaching children—and ourselves—to attune out and get curious about what’s underneath is so critical.

Every parent and teacher can do this by simply asking:

“What behaviors did you notice today?”
“What do you think that person might’ve been thinking?”
“How do you think they were feeling?”

Social-emotional skills aren’t taught—they’re caught. And the more we model and coach this mindset, the more naturally it will grow in our children and students.

Step Two: Attune In – Knowing Your Own Emotional State

The second step in the Bravely Connected method is attune in—turning inward to recognize your own emotional landscape before engaging with others.

Let’s say your child comes home and tells you they were bullied. What’s the first thing you feel? Maybe it’s anger. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe you’re instantly transported back to a painful memory of being bullied yourself.

I know this firsthand. As a child, I was bullied for my weight and nicknamed “Connie Chunk.” When my kids told me someone hurt them, I was instantly back in those memories, ready to protect them fiercely. But my reaction wasn’t just about them—it was about me.

That’s why we must ask ourselves:

What am I feeling?
Name the emotion: anger, fear, sadness, frustration.
What does that emotion sound like inside me?
Your internal dialogue might sound like:
- “How dare they hurt my child!”
- “Someone needs to pay for this.”
What behavior do I feel like doing because of that?
- Calling the other parent in rage.
- Yelling at the principal.
- Intervening directly on the playground.

Until we name our emotions and inner narratives, they will control us. Emotional intelligence is not just about understanding others—it’s about understanding yourself first.

Building Bridges Through Emotionally Intelligent Conversations

Once you’ve done the inner work of attuning in, you can bring emotional awareness into your conversations. For example:

“My son told me your child pushed him on the playground. He felt really embarrassed. When I heard that, I felt angry and overwhelmed. I was tempted to call the school immediately, but I wanted to come to you first and see what happened from your perspective.”

This is not about sugar-coating conflict. It’s about owning your emotions and choosing empathy and curiosity over blame and control.

Of course, you can’t control how others respond. The other parent might be defensive or angry. That’s why we return to attuning in—again asking:

What am I feeling?
What thoughts are surfacing?
What behaviors do I want to act on?

The more you practice this, the more naturally emotional intelligence will come.

Why Fear, Control, and Punishment Don’t Work

Here’s a hard truth: Fear, control, and punishment have never solved bullying. Yet most anti-bullying campaigns are saturated with those very tactics.

What actually works? Empathy. Emotional intelligence. Human connection.

Because ultimately, bullying is a symptom of disconnection. And disconnection thrives where fear and punishment dominate.

From Fear and Control to Connection and Restoration

One of the key insights shared was how our responses to bullying—both at home and in schools—often stem from an underlying culture of anxiety. When people feel disconnected and unsafe, they tend to react in one of three ways: fight (bullying), flight (avoidance), or freeze (shutting down). These are not simply behaviors to correct but signs of a deeper issue: emotional disconnection and a lack of trust.

In this anxious environment, even well-meaning adults often default to control tactics—trying to manage the situation by gossiping, excluding, or shaming rather than addressing concerns directly. This pattern, known as triangulation, emerges when someone avoids directly confronting an issue and instead recruits others to take sides. This is often driven not by malice, but by fear, insecurity, and a desire to protect oneself.

For example, rather than speaking directly with another parent about a conflict between children, a mom might form a group chat that excludes the other parent. This social exclusion becomes a subtle form of punishment, reinforcing disconnection and creating a culture of fear. These actions model punitive behavior for children, who then mirror them in their peer relationships.

But there’s a different way forward.

Replacing Fear, Control, and Punishment with Connection, Boundaries, and Discipline

Instead of using fear and disconnection as tools, we are called to shift toward three healthier strategies:

Connection: Intentionally rebuilding relationships and trust through honest, direct conversations.
Boundaries: Setting clear, respectful limits that protect without punishing.
Discipline: Teaching rather than excluding—coming alongside someone to model and guide rather than shame or exile.

This shift moves us from retribution to restoration. It’s not about letting bad behavior slide, but about helping people understand and take ownership of their actions in a way that promotes learning and growth.

Brave Spaces Over Safe Spaces

The conversation ends with a powerful idea: moving from safe spaces to brave spaces. Safe spaces, while important, can sometimes focus too much on self-protection and division. In contrast, brave spaces encourage self-awareness, emotional maturity, and active connection—even when it’s uncomfortable.

In brave spaces:

Connection is the goal—not being right.
We focus on what we have in common—not what divides us.
We take responsibility for our emotional states—not demanding others change first.
Trust increases because we manage ourselves rather than controlling others.

This is where transformation begins—not only in our schools and workplaces but in our homes and communities.

You Were Born for Connection

Ultimately, we are all born to belong. The journey of becoming bravely connected requires courage to go beyond self-preservation and pursue relationship repair and restoration. That’s what makes connection not just meaningful—but brave.

You are a powerful person. You can make powerful decisions. And you were born to be bravely connected.

Bravely Connected