Welcome to the new season of the Bravely Connected Blog! I’m Connie Jakab, and this season, I’m doing something a little different. I’m answering your questions—real challenges from real parents, educators, and leaders who are seeking to create deeper, more meaningful connection at home, in schools, and in communities.
If you’re curious about how to apply the Bravely Connected Method in your own setting—especially with children who struggle with impulse control or emotional regulation—you’re not alone. One parent recently reached out after a school parent night with a powerful question that will resonate with many.
The Question: How Do I Apply Bravely Connected with a Child Who Has ADHD?
Here’s the heartfelt email I received:
“I wanted to ask your thoughts on applying these practices with a child with ADHD. I understand in theory to bring them closer vs punishment, but he’s 9 and extremely impulsive and much of the time he has little recollection of his actions. This gets him negative feedback from others, hinders relationships and gets us parents into trouble (so to speak) from angry parents, and taken as a reflection of our parenting when in fact he can’t control his impulses, even with meds, but I also don’t want (or need) to tell others this is something.”
This parent isn’t alone—and her question cuts right to the heart of what so many are struggling with.
When Judgment Hits Home: A Story from the Park
As a parent of two boys with ADHD, I’ve been there. I remember a moment in the park when my youngest, then two, pulled his five-year-old brother’s hair. In response, a very colorful word burst out of my older son’s mouth. The moms around us gasped. First, they glared at him—then their eyes searched the playground for his mother. And when they found me, the judgment was palpable.
In those moments, I felt ashamed. Not because of my sons’ behavior, but because of how others were perceiving me. And too often, I found myself reprimanding my children not for their sake, but to protect my image in the eyes of strangers.
The Trap of Parenting for Appearances
This is a trap many parents fall into. When we parent from fear of judgment, we end up disciplining out of shame. But shame doesn’t rewire a dysregulated brain. It makes things worse.
Children with ADHD struggle with executive functioning. This includes:
- Impulse control
- Memory
- Focus
- Emotional regulation
It’s not about won’t. It’s about can’t—because the neural pathways responsible for these functions are underdeveloped or inconsistent. Imagine a boardroom where the key members—Memory, Regulation, Focus—simply didn’t show up to the meeting.
Connection Over Control: The Power of Attunement
The Bravely Connected Method focuses on attunement—a way of deeply seeing and connecting with another’s emotional state. This is how we help rewire the brain for regulation.
If I discipline my child from a place of fear or shame, I add to their dysregulation. But if I regulate myself first and attune to them, I give their brain what it needs to grow.
So the first question becomes: What’s happening in me?
When I’m embarrassed, I must notice it.
When I feel shame, I must name it.
For example:
- Emotion: “I feel embarrassed.”
- Thought: “These moms think I’m a bad mother.”
- Urge: “I want to punish my kids to prove I’m a good mom.”
By acknowledging my inner state, I can choose to attune to my child instead of reacting.
Teaching Emotional Intelligence: A Long-Term Process
We’ve all acted impulsively (hello, credit card at the mall!). Impulsivity is human. ADHD makes it harder to pause between urge and action, but it can be coached.
Here’s a way to debrief an incident with your child:
- “What were you feeling in that moment?”
- “What did that feeling sound like in your head?”
- “What did you want to do?”
- “What did you do?”
This is how we teach emotional intelligence. And the more we help our kids name and understand their emotions, the more we support their brains to grow in impulse control. But it takes time. ADHD doesn’t get rewired in a week—or even a year.
What ADHD Kids Experience Before the Bell Rings
By the time a child with ADHD walks through the school doors, they’ve already faced a morning full of discouragement:
- They forgot their shoes (again).
- They didn’t finish their breakfast.
- They were told nine times to do something and still missed it.
And then they enter a learning environment where the feedback—often non-verbal—is still: “You’re not enough. You’re always behind. You’re not trying hard enough.”
This constant reinforcement of lack becomes internalized. Their brains aren’t being rewired—they’re being locked into a story of deficiency.
Flip the Script: Speak to Their Strengths
As parents and educators, we hold the power to change the narrative. Kids with ADHD are not just impulsive—they’re:
- Creative
- Energetic
- Passionate
- Resilient
Catch them doing something right. Celebrate it. Even the small wins. Praise rewires the brain just like correction does—but in a way that builds confidence and connection.
The Bottom Line: Brave Parenting for Bravely Wired Kids
If there’s one takeaway from today’s question, it’s this:
We must attune to ourselves before we can attune to our children.
Especially with children who have ADHD, connection is the pathway to regulation. Judgment, shame, and quick punishment might feel like the right thing in the moment—but they only increase dysregulation.
So, manage you. Build your own belonging resilience. Recognize when your parenting is about others’ opinions—and choose a different way.
Have a Question for the Podcast? Let’s Talk.
Got a question about how to foster connection in your home, school, or community?
📧 Send it to: connie@conniejakab.com
I’d love to feature it on an upcoming post.
And until next time—
Connie
Bravely Connected 
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