The Problem With “Toolkits” and Fix-It Thinking
So often, parents and educators come to workshops hoping for a list of strategies—a new toolkit. But people are not broken objects that need fixing. They’re not boards to be hammered. The real need isn’t a better strategy—it’s a better philosophy. One that sees people as fully human.
There are two opposing approaches to relationships:
- Fear, Control, and Punishment
- Connection, Boundaries, and Discipline
The first is the way many of us were raised: burying emotions, pushing through pain, and getting things done no matter the cost. While resilience isn’t bad, I admit it came at the cost of developing emotional and social intelligence—skills I had to learn the hard way.
Why Emotional Intelligence Is the Future
The world our children are entering is changing rapidly. The jobs of the future will require empathy, teamwork, and emotional regulation—skills rooted in social and emotional intelligence.
When parents question whether focusing on emotions is preparing their children for the real world, I want to gently challenges that fear. Emotional and social intelligence are the new survival skills. Helping a child understand their inner world isn’t coddling—it’s equipping them for a world where relationships, communication, and adaptability are critical.
The Litmus Test: Fear and Control or Connection and Discipline?
So how can you tell which side of the parenting pendulum you’re on?
Let me offer a simple test:
- Are you feeling fear?
- Are you trying to control?
- Are you tempted to punish to gain that control?
If yes, you’re likely operating from the fear-control-punishment framework.
Instead, the Bravely Connected approach starts with attunement—first to yourself, then to your child.
Attune Inward First
Before you respond to your child’s behavior, ask:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What thoughts are shaping my reactions?
- What behaviors am I bringing into this moment?
This helps you differentiate your emotional state from your child’s. It helps you parent from clarity rather than reactivity.
Then Attune to Your Child
Remember, behaviour is communication. A child refusing to go to school isn’t just being difficult—they’re communicating something. What might they be thinking? What might they be feeling? That’s where effective parenting begins.
Replace Control with Connection and Coaching
Control and punishment are reactive. Connection and discipline are proactive.
Discipline isn’t about consequences or compliance. Discipline means to teach. As parents, we are coaches. And coaches don’t punish—they guide.
A brilliant example came from a parent I met at a parent night this week. The mother said that when her child was melting down in public, she would become their “sportscaster.” Instead of reacting, she would narrate calmly:
“I see you’re frustrated. Now we’re going to stand up. Now we’re going to walk out together.”
This simple technique helped her remain the grounded adult while teaching her child emotional regulation.
Boundaries Are Bridges, Not Walls
When your child resists or rejects your guidance, it’s easy to take it personally. But I want to remind us that their choices are not your choices. One of the healthiest boundaries you can hold is this: “Their decisions are theirs. My response is mine.”
Boundaries aren’t about control—they’re about clarity. They help you maintain connection while still guiding with love and intention.
And because behavior is often predictable, you can prepare in advance:
- “Next time my teen leaves their dishes out, I will…”
- “Next time my child has a meltdown at the store, I will…”
You become the strategist of your home.
Parenting Takes Practice—and Repetition
There’s no instant fix. Even if you apply everything in this blog, you won’t see transformation overnight. And that’s okay.
Kids are experts at making mistakes—it’s how they learn. Your job isn’t to perfect them. Your job is to repeat the message, the boundary, the connection. Over and over again.
This repetition builds the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, empathy, and emotional regulation. Try the litmus test this week. Reflect on where you’re parenting from. And if it doesn’t go the way you hoped, remember—you’re brave, and you’re learning.
Stay brave, everyone.
Bravely Connected 
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