How to Belong Without Changing Who You Are

As this season of the Bravely Connected blog wraps up and summer begins, I wanted to leave you with something that’s deeply personal and transformational: the journey of belonging on the inside.

Over the past few years, I’ve spent a lot of time equipping others to build connection at home, at school, and in their communities. But here’s what I’ve discovered: if we don’t know that we belong, we can’t truly help others feel that they do either. Without that deep-rooted sense of inner belonging, we end up unintentionally sabotaging relationships—leaning on our kids, our partners, or our friends to affirm our worth

My Go-To Self-Coaching Practice

One tool I return to daily is a four-part inner check-in. It helps me regulate and reflect, and it only takes a few minutes:

What is my resting emotional state right now?
Not what I felt last year or even last week—but this week, today. For a long time, I avoided emotions or saw them as too messy. But denying emotions meant denying a big part of myself. I’ve learned that emotional health impacts my mental, physical, and relational health. So I try to name what I’m feeling most often.
If that emotion were a sentence, what would it say?
That helps me identify my thoughts. For instance, during a hard time with my son, I felt despair. My inner sentence was: “I can’t do this. I’m not a good enough parent.”
What behaviours are showing up as a result of that thought?
Behaviour is communication. When I notice how my emotions and thoughts are shaping my actions, I gain insight into patterns—and the chance to shift them.
What strength is rising, even in the middle of all this?
There’s always strength. When I focus only on what’s wrong, I lose hope. But when I ask myself, “What’s right with me right now?” I get anchored.

This short reflection organises my thoughts and emotions. It helps me take responsibility for what’s mine—and let go of what isn’t.

Fitting In vs. Belonging

There’s a massive difference between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in is about bending ourselves to be accepted. Belonging is about being accepted as we are.

Brené Brown talks about this beautifully in Braving the Wilderness. It’s one of the books I reread often. She reminds us: not everyone is your flavour, and that’s okay.

The relationships we keep closest shape us more than any self-help tool ever will. That’s why I started mapping out who has access to my heart.

I imagine concentric circles:

The centre is my heart—my soul. Only a few people belong here. These are the ones who’ve loved me at my worst and cheered me at my best.
A bit further out are people I like and enjoy—co-workers, regular acquaintances.
Beyond that are people I don’t know well—maybe social media connections.
And the outermost circle? These are people who need to stay far from my heart. They may not be bad people, but they’re not good for me.

When I find myself feeling like I don’t belong, it’s often because I’ve pulled someone from the outer ring too close. I’m seeking something they were never meant to give.

Now, I’m learning to be intentional: Who gets to be in my inner circle? Who delights in me—and in whom do I delight?

From Powerless to Powerful

I used to think other people’s moods determined mine. If someone was angry, I’d tiptoe. If someone was frustrated, I’d think I caused it. I became so empathetic I lost track of what I was feeling.

Then I came across a concept from Danny Silk about powerful and powerless people. When two powerless people come together, control issues arise. They avoid responsibility and expect each other to fill needs they haven’t even named.

When a powerless person meets a powerful one, it becomes codependent—the powerful person gets drained.

But two powerful people? That’s where real connection thrives. Each person takes responsibility for themselves.

I’ve realised I can’t manage anyone but me. I say now:
“You owe me nothing. I owe me everything.”

That’s not about withholding love—it’s about setting myself free. It’s about being the kind of person who says, “I will manage myself. I will choose how I respond.”

And guess what? That responsibility increased my sense of belonging more than anything else ever has.

You Are a Delight

I spent much of my childhood feeling like I was always in trouble. Even when I tried to be good, I felt like I was never quite enough. Somewhere in my little brain, I wired this belief: “You are only delightful when you do things right.”

That belief shaped me for years.

Now, I look back and wish I could tell that little girl, “There is nothing wrong with you.”

And if you’ve ever felt that way too, I want to say:
You are a delight. Not because you perform. Not because you please. Just because you are.

If someone can’t see that, they don’t belong in your inner circle. Move them out. Hold close only those who see your light.

The Power of Catch and Release

These days, when someone’s emotions show up in the room, I try to “catch and release.” If a friend is sad, I can sit with her. I can offer comfort. But when we part ways, I don’t carry her sadness with me.

I’ve learned to ask, “Is this mine?” If it’s not, I release it.

That’s why I still do that daily reflection:
What am I feeling?
What’s the thought beneath it?
How am I acting because of it?
What strength is rising?

The more I understand my inner world, the more I can stay rooted when other people’s emotions swirl around me. I no longer shape-shift to please. I no longer rearrange my environment just to keep people calm. That kind of managing kept me anxious and small.

Now, I stand in my truth. I don’t belong everywhere—and that’s a good thing.

Belonging Through Giving

I used to think joy was something I’d find when people included me, delighted in me, or praised me. But I’ve learned that joy often shows up when I look outwards.

When I encourage someone else, when I speak life into them, when I see their face light up—that’s when I feel the most alive.

Many of us who’ve felt left out have the deepest ability to create belonging for others. But here’s the catch: we have to do the inner work first. Otherwise, we’ll try to fit in rather than stand in our worth. We’ll get burned, withdraw, and blame people.

But when I remind myself daily:
“You don’t owe me anything. Your mood doesn’t affect mine. I manage me.”
—that’s when I can give freely. And what I give, I receive back tenfold.

You Are Brave. You Belong.

So today, find someone and bless their socks off. It doesn’t have to be big. Look them in the eye. Notice their strength. Speak encouragement into their life. Our world is running on empty when it comes to kindness and courage.

And remember:

You are brave.
You belong.
Belonging is your birthright.

Bravely Connected