A Hidden Crisis: The Struggle to Feel That We Matter
Over the past decade, Zach Mercurio has seen how difficult it is to call people into contribution if they don’t first believe they’re worthy of contributing. It’s nearly impossible to encourage someone to use their strengths if they don’t believe they have any—or to invite someone to speak up if they don’t believe their voice matters.
This is the crisis we face today: in homes, classrooms, workplaces, and communities, more people feel invisible, overlooked, and forgotten than ever before. Before we can solve global challenges or organizational issues, we must first solve this one—helping people believe they are significant. Because when people feel that they matter, they act like they matter. And the world urgently needs more people living as though they matter.
Despite living in an age where people are “more connected than ever,” loneliness has become a hidden crisis. The issue is not the quantity of interactions, but the quality. One can be surrounded by friends and still feel insignificant.
We often tell disconnected individuals to “go reconnect,” but that advice misses the point. While loneliness hurts, each of us still carries the responsibility to show up in relationships in a way that communicates to others: you matter.
In this interview I did with Zach, he gives brilliant tools on HOW we can create spaces where people know they matter.
Healing Beyond the Self
For decades, society has encouraged people to look inward—to focus on self-help, healing trauma, and affirming themselves. While valuable, this focus has overlooked a critical truth: healing is incomplete without quality relationships.
We have not equipped people with the skills to avoid becoming sources of harm for others. No one wakes up intending to make life harder for someone else, yet the way we show up—or fail to—deeply impacts those around us.
This raises a critical question: Does belonging come from within or from others? The answer is both. While reminders like “you are enough” are well-intentioned, they miss reality. As human beings, we are interdependent—we literally cannot exist without others. From engineers who design our technology to workers who keep our electricity running, our lives depend on countless unseen contributions.
True self-worth requires more than internal affirmations. If someone continually experiences environments that reflect insignificance, they will begin to believe they are insignificant again. Just as a living thing placed back into a toxic environment will eventually decline, people need relationships that consistently show their significance.
The hopeful truth is this: when we commit to helping others feel they matter, we begin to experience our own mattering as well.
Practicing Everyday Connection
Sometimes, showing others they matter is as simple as pausing at the grocery checkout to genuinely thank the cashier for being there. These small acknowledgments remind both people of their shared significance.
Self-esteem is not built in isolation—it is formed through interaction. This is the essence of interdependence—the reality that we need each other. While “help yourself” culture emphasizes independence, biology, psychology, and sociology all affirm the opposite: human beings are wired for reliance on one another.
The Skills We’re Losing
For many, the instinct is to retreat from relationships. “I don’t like people. People have let me down,” is a common refrain. It feels safer to rely only on oneself. But meaningful relationships require practice, and the skills for them are built through social repetition.
The more time we spend with people—whether we like them or not, whether they’re in pain or celebrating—the more we develop empathy, understanding, and affirmation. Yet over the past 25 years, we’ve unknowingly been losing these skills.
Digital technology has allowed us to avoid the hard work of relationship. Frustrated in a virtual meeting? We can click “end call” and never address it. A friend shares good news? We can send a quick thumbs-up emoji instead of sitting with them to express real pride in their perseverance.
These shortcuts erode the very muscles we need to practice mattering. Without these repetitions, we grow less proficient at noticing, empathizing, and affirming others.
Rediscovering the Skills of Mattering
To counter this, Zach and his team surveyed thousands of people, asking: When do you most feel that you matter to a leader? The responses revealed three essential skills that communicate mattering:
- Noticing People – Truly seeing others, remembering details about their lives, and taking meaningful action to show they are thought of.
- Affirming People – Going beyond generic praise to show how someone’s unique qualities make a unique difference.
- Showing People They’re Needed – Demonstrating the ways others are relied upon, reinforcing that their presence and contribution matter.
These skills can be relearned. In fact, they must be, as increasing numbers of people feel invisible, overlooked, and ignored.
Naming and Practicing the Skills of Mattering
Even though most adults send 30 to 40 digital messages to colleagues and peers each day, people are lonelier than ever. Why? Because we have lost the skills to show those right in front of us that we see them, hear them, value them, and need them.
Zach names these skills with the acronym NAN: Notice, Affirm, Need. Interestingly, in Australia, “Nan” refers to a grandmotherly figure—often someone who naturally embodies these qualities. The framework isn’t meant to be rigid, but to give language to something too often dismissed as “soft skills.” Once named, these practices can be invested in, measured, and strengthened with the same seriousness as any other skill set.
Most of us assume we are better at these skills than we really are. We might think we’re good listeners, or that we affirm people often, but rarely do we explicitly tell someone, “I rely on you.” Feelings of gratitude frequently outweigh our actions of gratitude. Recognizing this gap calls for humility and intentionality in how we engage with others.
The Power of Needing
Acknowledgement and affirmation are important, but expressing need has a distinct, transformative effect. When people feel that their presence and contributions are essential, they come alive. Leaders and community members alike light up when told, “This couldn’t have happened without you.” It’s not simply appreciation; it’s recognition of indispensability.
For communities, this practice fosters ownership and vibrancy. For leaders, it creates depth over breadth—an investment in significance rather than surface-level connection.
Mattering vs. Belonging and Inclusion
In his talks and workshops, Zach often hears people line up afterward to confess how unseen and insignificant they feel. Mattering, as a concept, is naming something people haven’t had language for.
It differs from belonging and inclusion:
- Belonging means being welcomed in a group.
- Inclusion means being able to participate in the group.
- Mattering means being significant to individuals in the group.
One woman described her experience after moving abroad: she was invited to activities, included in conversations, and welcomed in sports groups. Yet she still felt invisible—no one truly saw or knew her. This wasn’t a lack of inclusion or belonging; it was a lack of mattering.
The hopeful truth is that mattering doesn’t require big leadership roles or structural power. It happens in the smallest interactions—like a child waving enthusiastically at a garbage collector, causing him to lift his head, smile, and engage. These moments can ripple outward, changing how people experience their own significance.
Mattering in Education and Beyond
This challenge extends to professions like education and healthcare. Teachers and nurses may hold roles of obvious importance, yet still feel insignificant in their daily work. It’s not the mission of the job that’s in question, but the lived experience of being seen and valued within it.
Self-care initiatives won’t solve burnout if people return to environments where they remain unseen. Instead, schools and workplaces must collectively recommit to noticing, affirming, and showing others how they are needed.
The stakes are high. Research on self-harm communities online found one of the most common refrains was: “Nobody would miss me if I was gone.” The National Suicide Hotline is called the You Matter Hotline for this very reason—mattering is not just a feel-good concept; it can be a matter of life and death.
The Classroom Example
In education, this plays out in simple yet powerful ways. When a student misses class, a teacher could say:
- “Where were you yesterday? Glad you’re back.” (neutral acknowledgment)
Or instead:
- “We really missed your humor and energy yesterday—it just wasn’t the same without you.” (affirmation of need)
The latter has been shown to significantly reduce absenteeism because it affirms that the student’s presence changes the environment for the better.
The same applies to teachers themselves. Imagine a colleague saying:
“If it wasn’t for you and your class last year, I don’t think this student would be as confident as they are today. You are needed in their life.”
These words fight burnout more effectively than funding or programs alone. Burnout is less about the amount of work and more about the absence of significance. People can handle much when they know they matter; what breaks them is feeling invisible.
The Survival Instinct of Mattering
Human beings are resilient. We can endure difficulty and heavy loads, but not insignificance. At the root of survival is the instinct to matter to others enough that they keep us alive. Without it, even purpose itself can collapse.
Zach Mercurio’s research at the Center for Meaning and Purpose focuses on the lived experience of mattering—what it feels like, and what skills reinforce it. His earlier work emphasized purpose, but he quickly realized that knowing our contribution is meaningless without first experiencing that we matter.
A Dream for Mattering
When asked about his dream for this work, Mercurio painted a clear vision: that every person would commit to seeing, hearing, affirming, and showing others how they are needed in every interaction. Whether with a family member, a stranger selling solar panels, or a colleague receiving feedback, the goal is to engage with humanity first. Instead of “I need you to improve,” we could begin with “I believe in you. I see what it takes in you, and I’m here to help.”
He dreams of more “mattering champions” rising up in organizations, schools, and communities—people who intentionally remember details, follow up, and remind others, “If it wasn’t for you, this wouldn’t be possible.”
Building Social Repetitions
Mercurio advocates for what he calls “social repetitions.” Just as physical repetition builds muscle, social repetition builds the skills of noticing, affirming, and showing others they are needed.
- In Schools: Students should be practicing peer-to-peer feedback as early as kindergarten. For example, writing down something they love about a classmate and sharing it the next day. This daily repetition teaches young people how to affirm others and creates cultures where significance is the norm.
- In Workplaces: Just as physical safety rules are posted in breakrooms, workplaces should display relational safety norms. Employees should know they will be noticed, affirmed, and needed in every interaction. Leaders, too, must be trained, evaluated, and held accountable for practicing these skills.
- At Home: Parents can set healthy boundaries by limiting screen time and delaying access to smartphones and social media. But more importantly, they can create intentional moments each week to affirm their children’s unique gifts and the difference they make in the family.
These practices are not lofty ideals—they are simple, doable steps that can be woven into everyday life.
A Community Challenge – Who’s in?!
Inspired by the conversation, I committed to bringing this challenge to my own community and schools: let’s test this out together. What would happen if we intentionally practiced noticing, affirming, and showing others how they’re needed in our homes, classrooms, and workplaces?
To support this, Zach shared a practical tool: a Month of Mattering calendar. In March, one school district dedicated 30 days to intentional acts of mattering, with daily activities designed to help students and staff see and affirm one another. Pre- and post-reflections revealed powerful insights—students realized how little they had been showing gratitude, or how much even small actions could transform relationships.
This simple model demonstrates that small, consistent actions spark movements of change.
Tools to Get Started
Zach’s website offers free resources to help anyone begin:
- A self-assessment on mattering
- Templates for giving meaningful gratitude
- Printable cards with the words, “If it wasn’t for you…”
These tools remind us that mattering is not abstract. It’s teachable, measurable, and repeatable.
A Final Question
Perhaps the most powerful tool Zach offers is a question you can ask in any relationship:
“When you feel that you matter to me, what am I doing?”
The answers may surprise you. One mother who asked her 13-year-old daughter discovered that their car rides to school—something she viewed as routine—were her daughter’s most cherished moments.
This question, simple yet profound, opens doors to deeper connection.
Moving Forward
Mattering is not about grand gestures but about intentional, consistent interactions. By committing to notice, affirm, and show people how they are needed, we can transform homes, schools, workplaces, and communities.
As Zach emphasizes, these aren’t “soft skills.” They are survival skills. They are leadership skills. They are life skills. And they are skills we can all practice—starting today.
So, let’s take up the challenge. Try it in your family, your school, your team. Ask the question. Use the tools. Create those social repetitions. And see what happens when people begin to act like they truly matter.
Bravely Connected 
Leave a comment