Bravely Connected

If you are a caring person, a leader, a helper, or someone others trust, chances are you’ve found yourself here before:

Two people are in conflict.
Instead of talking to each other, one of them comes to you.

They’re hurt. Frustrated. Confused.
They just want you to listen—but somehow, listening turns into carrying.
And before you know it, you’re in the middle.

This pattern is so common that many of us don’t even realize we’re doing it. We tell ourselves we’re being supportive, peacemaking, loving. But over time, this role becomes exhausting, polarizing, and damaging—not just for us, but for the community.

This is called triangulation.

And learning how to stay out of it is one of the most important skills a connected leader can develop.

What Is Triangulation?

Triangulation happens when two people have an issue, and instead of addressing it directly, a third person is pulled in to manage the tension.

It often looks like:

• Venting instead of conversing
• Recruiting allies instead of seeking understanding
• Asking someone else to carry emotions or make decisions that belong in the relationship itself

Most triangulation isn’t malicious. It’s driven by anxiety, fear of conflict, or lack of skills. But even when the intentions are good, the impact can be harmful.

The third person—often the leader, helper, or “safe one”—becomes a rescuer. And rescuing feels loving… until it isn’t.

Why Rescuing Feels Right (But Isn’t)

Many of us were rewarded for being the calm one, the fixer, the emotionally mature one. We learned early that stepping in meant being needed, valued, or safe.

But rescuing creates hidden costs:

• You become responsible for something that isn’t yours
• You absorb emotional weight that belongs elsewhere
• You unintentionally communicate: “You can’t handle this without me”
• Polarization deepens instead of healing

Over time, communities become fragile—not because of conflict, but because conflict is never handled directly.

Healthy connection doesn’t avoid tension.
It builds the capacity to face it.

A Bravely Connected Shift: From Rescuing to Resourcing

One of the core principles of being bravely connected is this:

We don’t fix conflict for people—we resource them to face it.

That shift changes everything.

Instead of asking, “How do I make this go away?”
We ask, “How do I stay grounded while empowering others?”

Instead of being pulled into sides, we return responsibility to the relationship.

Instead of rescuing, we treat people as powerful.

The 1–2–3 Rule to Stay Out of Triangulation

Here’s a simple, easy-to-remember framework you can use in real time.

1. Pause — Regulate Yourself First

Before responding, slow down.
Notice urgency, anxiety, or the pressure to fix.

Ask yourself:

• Am I being invited into connection—or into conflict?
• Am I regulated enough to respond wisely?

You don’t need to react quickly to be loving.

2. Return — Responsibility to the Relationship

Gently but clearly move the issue back where it belongs.

This might sound like:

• “Have you talked to them about this?”
• “This feels like something that needs to be addressed directly.”
• “I care about both of you, and I don’t want to take sides.”

Returning responsibility is not abandonment.
It’s an act of respect.

3. Resource — Empower, Don’t Rescue

Support people in the process, not instead of it.

Ask questions instead of giving solutions:

• “What do you want them to understand?”
• “What outcome are you hoping for?”
• “What support would help you have that conversation?”

Resourcing communicates trust:
I believe you are capable—even if it’s uncomfortable.

What to Say When You’re Being Pulled In

Here are a few phrases leaders can practice:

• “I’m not the right person to resolve this, but I can help you think it through.”
• “I don’t want to hold information the other person doesn’t have.”
• “I’m happy to support you in preparing for the conversation.”

And sometimes, a boundary is necessary:

• “I can’t hear more about this unless you’ve spoken to them directly.”

Boundaries don’t break connection.
They protect it.

Managing Yourself in a Polarized World

We are living in a time of heightened reactivity. Polarization wants urgency, alignment, and certainty.

But regulation asks something different:

• To tolerate discomfort
• To resist taking sides
• To stay present without resolving

A helpful question to ask yourself:
Will my involvement strengthen direct connection—or weaken it?

If the answer is “weaken,” it’s okay to step back.

The Courage to Stay Out of the Middle

Staying out of triangulation doesn’t mean you don’t care.

It means you care enough to:

• Stay grounded
• Stay honest
• Stay out of patterns that quietly erode trust

Strong communities aren’t built by leaders who fix everything.
They’re built by leaders who model responsibility, courage, and repair.

You don’t need to rescue to be loving.

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is step back—and trust that growth will meet people there.