Bravely Connected

How to Stay Grounded in a Reactive World. We don’t wake up in the morning and decide to armor up. We just slowly start protecting ourselves. We scroll, we judge, we defend, we shut down, we push through. We tell ourselves we’re being strong. But somewhere along the way, the very armor we built to survive hard seasons starts costing us the very thing we long for most: connection. We look resilient on the outside, but on the inside we’re storming. And the more we ignore that inner storm—our unacknowledged emotions, our racing thoughts, our reactive behaviors—the more we distance ourselves from the people we love. Emotional armor doesn’t just protect us from pain; it quietly blocks intimacy, safety, and belonging.

Care Without Carrying

There is so much heaviness in our world today. The constant exposure to crisis, outrage, and uncertainty can leave us feeling overwhelmed. In previous episodes and blogs, I’ve talked about the idea of care without carrying. That feels like a word for this season.

We must care—but we cannot carry everything.

The key to navigating the complexity around us is self-management and self-awareness. If I don’t know where I am emotionally and I scroll social media for five minutes, I’ll likely walk away feeling hopeless, dysregulated, or despairing. But if I know what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, and what behaviors are emerging as a result, I can manage the chaos outside because I’ve acknowledged the chaos inside.

There are three parts to this awareness:

• Recognized – I recognize what’s happening inside me.
• Acknowledged – I validate and name it.
• Witnessed – I share it honestly with safe people.

That third piece—being witnessed—is where brave connection begins.

Imagine walking into a room and saying:

“I’m feeling really overwhelmed. It sounds in my head like the world is just too much right now. And when I feel that way, I notice I judge people faster. I jump to conclusions. I go on the defensive.”

Imagine if our young people could say:

“I feel desperate about the state of the world. In my head, it sounds like everything is heavy and broken. And sometimes I cope in ways that aren’t healthy.”

What if we created homes where that kind of honesty was safe?

I believe it’s possible. But someone has to go first.

If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you might be that someone. You may not call yourself a leader. But perhaps you’re a culture creator. Perhaps you sense that we need to stand braver, do better, and move forward differently.

You’re here because something in you longs for more.

The Attune-In Process: Emotions, Thoughts, Behaviors

For years, I’ve taught what I call the Attune-In Process:

1. What is my resting emotion?
2. What does it sound like as a sentence in my head?
3. What behaviors are coming out as a result?

This three-part framework has grounded me daily. I’ve taught it to educators, parents, and community leaders. It’s practical. It’s tangible. And it works.

So imagine my surprise when I’m reading Strong Ground and Brené Brown writes:

“When we don’t know or understand what our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are, we are armoring up.”

I had to read it twice.

When we don’t acknowledge our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors—we armor up.

It leapt off the page.

I’ve known this framework is grounded in neuroscience. I’ve known it’s evidence-based. But hearing someone I deeply respect articulate it so clearly affirmed what I’ve seen play out again and again: when we ignore our inner world, we build protective armor.

And armor always costs us something.

A Room Full of Farmers

Just a week ago, I was on the West Coast after a devastating atmospheric river flooded Abbotsford. The organization I work with has supported that community for four years. Recently, after a smaller flood event reopened old wounds, I was invited back to speak about resilience and mental health.

I found myself standing in front of a room full of German Dutch farmers. Resilient. Hardworking. Practical. Many from a generation that didn’t talk about emotions. The mindset was: pull up your pants and get it done.

And here I was about to walk them through the Attune-In Process—emotions, thoughts, behaviors.

When I began speaking about emotions, I could feel the tension in the room. You could almost cut it in half. They wanted something practical. Something tangible. Not emotions.

So I began with a metaphor.

There is a storm outside of us. A river overflows. Fields flood. Crops are destroyed. Marriages struggle. Children face mental health crises. The world feels like it’s unraveling.

That’s the storm outside.

But there is also a storm inside.

Our emotional state is a response to what’s happening externally. And many of us—especially Gen Xers—weren’t taught how to handle that inner storm. We were taught to ignore it.

But when we ignore the storm inside, it doesn’t calm down.

It rages.

We may look composed. Put together. Fine. But behind closed doors, the unacknowledged storm spills out. It looks like yelling. It looks like addiction. It looks like domestic violence. It looks like anxiety spiraling in our children.

I’ve shared before how, during a particularly difficult season, I drank myself to sleep for a year. I never thought that would be my reality. But when my inner world was in chaos and I didn’t have the tools to name my emotions or thoughts, the behaviors followed.

When I was yelling at my anxious child, I didn’t realize I was making his anxiety worse. I had to learn to manage the storm inside of me so I could hold the storm inside of him.

Ignoring emotion doesn’t make it disappear. It just drives it underground where it fuels subconscious thoughts—and those thoughts dictate behaviors.

The more concerned we are with looking perfect on the outside, the more chaotic our internal world often becomes.

That’s armor.

What Armor Does to Community

At the end of that session, a woman raised her hand.

She said, “Some of us are really resilient. We push through hard things. But what happens when someone walks into our church who is crumbling on the inside? They see all of us managing just fine. What does that do to them?”

It was such a powerful question.

If everyone in the room is armoring up—making it look easy—there’s no space for brokenness. There’s no space for honesty. And the person who is struggling will either leave or armor up too.

We create rooms full of protected people.

And then we wonder why no one feels connected.

We walk into spaces where everyone looks strong, but no one feels safe.

And somewhere along the way, we forgot that resilience without vulnerability can unintentionally exclude the very people who need community most.

Hospital or Courtroom? The Culture We Create

I’ve felt brokenness in my life. I encouraged the people I was speaking to with a question:

Do you want to be a hospital or a courtroom?

A hospital is a place where people can come in exactly as they are. It’s rarely pretty. People are bandaged. They’re triaged. They’re hurting. But they’re cared for.

A courtroom, on the other hand, is about verdicts. It’s about right and wrong. Good or bad. Guilty or innocent.

And if we’re honest, the world right now feels a lot more like a courtroom than a hospital.

Scroll social media. Post something vulnerable from your heart. You’ll often find judgment waiting for you. There it is—the courtroom. Instead of a place of healing, we’ve created spaces of evaluation and accusation.

But here’s what we don’t always realize: when we bravely acknowledge our own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, it’s not even ultimately about us.

It’s about becoming a refuge for others.

Self-Awareness Creates Refuge

When I know where I am emotionally, I can be present with you without reacting to you.

If your anger triggers anger in me, and I don’t know my inner world, I’ll respond defensively. But if I know where I stand—if I’ve acknowledged my own emotions and thoughts—I can stay grounded.

I can stand in a classroom full of big emotions and say internally:

I’m not angry. You’re angry.
I’m not frustrated. You’re frustrated.

That kind of grounded self-awareness keeps me from armoring up. And let’s be honest—we all have armor. It may look different from person to person, but at its core, it’s the same.

Armor says: I need to protect myself right now.

Armor is about me.

Vulnerability, however, is not self-absorbed. Yes, it benefits me. But true emotional self-awareness actually allows me to be present with someone else. It allows connection.

We Connect Emotionally—Nothing Else

As human beings, we don’t connect on any level deeper than emotion.

Think about the last person you felt deeply connected to. Maybe you shared hobbies. Maybe you shared beliefs. But underneath that shared hobby or ideology was an emotion.

Maybe it was joy—“You love dance too? You get it. I don’t have to explain it.”
Maybe it was relief—“Finally, someone understands.”
Maybe it was hope—“You see the world the way I do.”

It’s not the hobby that creates connection. It’s the emotion attached to it.

When we become emotionally intelligent and capable of connecting at that level, we build real community.

And this doesn’t mean we absorb someone else’s emotional state. Remember: we can care without carrying.

If you’re depressed, I can care. I can sit with you. I can stay present. But I don’t have to carry your depression home with me.

That boundary is what keeps us from burning out—and from avoiding vulnerability altogether.

Your World Will Process Itself—One Way or Another

I think one of the reasons we avoid looking under the hood of our own emotions is fear.

If I really acknowledged what I’m feeling… would I fall apart?

If that’s you—if you’re reading this or listening and you’re thinking, “If I looked at my emotions honestly, my world would blow up”—I want to say this gently and clearly:

Your world will blow up whether you acknowledge it or not.

Those emotions, thoughts, and behaviors will come out. They will process themselves if you don’t process them intentionally.

You can either leave that process up to fate—letting reactions, addictions, harsh words, or fractured relationships write the story for you—or you can choose to write it yourself.

That’s where bravery comes in.

Writing Your Own Story

Being brave isn’t about being loud. It’s about being honest.

It’s about choosing to acknowledge your emotional state so that your reactions don’t dictate your story.

I’ve said things as a mom that I never imagined I would say. Words that were mean. Words that were cruel. Even now, I have to fight the pull toward guilt when I think about them.

But as I’ve learned to acknowledge my inner world—my emotions, my thoughts, my behaviors—I’ve become less reactive. Less sharp. Less cruel.

Because I’m managing the storm inside of me.

And friends, that’s what I want for you.

The Daily Practice of Attuning In

So here’s your invitation. Every day, ask yourself:

• What is my resting emotional state today?
• What does that sound like as a sentence in my head? (That’s identifying the subconscious thought.)
• What behaviors are coming out—or wanting to come out—as a result?

And then there’s one more step that’s just as important.

Anchor yourself in strength.

Ask: What strengths are rising from my struggle right now?

Because yes, sometimes what you uncover isn’t pretty. Maybe there’s a part of you that’s angry. Maybe there’s a part that’s judgmental. Maybe there’s a part that has been the yelling parent.

But that’s not all of you.

There is also strength in you.

There is resilience in you.

There is growth happening in you.

Strength begets more strength. So don’t just name the storm. Name the courage rising within it.

Keep Being Brave

When we choose self-awareness over armor, we become hospitals in a courtroom world.

We become refuge instead of reaction.
We become grounded instead of defensive.
We become present instead of protected.

And that is how brave connection begins.

So friends, keep asking the hard questions. Keep acknowledging what’s true inside of you. Keep anchoring in strength.

And in the meantime—

Keep being brave.