Over the past 25 years, I’ve watched something shift in how people relate to one another. It’s subtle in some ways, but also incredibly noticeable once you begin paying attention.

A 25-Year Shift in How We Form Friendships

Before the work I do now, I used to teach hip-hop dance in schools. But the class wasn’t just about dance. I developed a method for creating bravely connected classrooms—spaces where students could actually build relationships and learn how to connect with one another.

I started doing this in the early 2000s. Over the last two and a half decades, I’ve witnessed a dramatic change in how students navigate friendships.

Just a few weeks ago, I was talking with my 15-year-old son, who is in Grade 10. He said something that stopped me in my tracks.

He said:

“Mom, nobody talks to each other anymore in school.”

He explained that even when he’s placed into a group project with students he doesn’t know, and he tries to initiate conversation, sometimes people just stare at him.

Not even during lunch.
Not even during casual moments.

This is during a group project, where collaboration is literally the assignment.

He told me that many students today are so confined to their existing friend groups that they won’t even acknowledge or interact with someone outside of that circle.

And honestly, it breaks my heart.

But here’s the thing: this isn’t just happening in schools.

It’s happening with adults, neighbours, communities—everywhere.

The Loneliness Epidemic

Researchers today are describing loneliness as an epidemic.

More people than ever report feeling:

• isolated
• disconnected
• unseen
• without meaningful friendships

What’s fascinating is that at the exact same time, people are saying they want deeper connection and stronger relationships.

So we find ourselves in a strange situation.

People want friendships.
But many people no longer know how to create them.

The problem isn’t that humans are broken.

The problem is that our world has changed.

Why Friendship Used to Happen Naturally

When I first started my work around **1999—back when everyone was joking about Y2K and Prince was singing about partying like it was 1999—**life looked very different socially.

For most of human history, friendship developed almost automatically because of how communities were structured.

People often:

• lived near extended family
• saw the same neighbours daily
• gathered regularly in shared spaces
• worked within their local communities

But today our lives look very different.

People:

• work from home
• commute outside their communities
• move frequently
• spend large amounts of time online
• spend evenings alone recovering from the day

If you’re anything like me, by the time you get home you sometimes feel like:

“I can’t people anymore.”

And because of that shift, friendship no longer happens automatically.

Today, friendship has to be created intentionally.

Friendship Is a Skill — Not a Personality Trait

The good news is this:

Friendship is not a trait that only certain people possess.

Friendship is a skill.

And skills can be learned.

So today I want to walk through several simple steps anyone can take to start building real friendships.

This could apply if you are:

• a teacher wanting to build a connected classroom
• a young adult feeling lonely
• a parent feeling isolated
• someone who feels invisible in the world

I remember when I moved from Vancouver back to my home city of Calgary. I had just had a baby, my husband was working long hours, and I had never felt more lonely in my life.

So if you find yourself in that kind of season, these steps are for you.

They are simple.

But simple does not mean small.

These are the kinds of steps that help us begin creating brave connection.

Step One: Decide That Friendship Is Worth the Effort

It can feel daunting, almost like learning a whole new skill. But what it really requires is a mindset shift.

Many people around you right now are:

• waiting to be included
• waiting to be invited
• waiting for someone to reach out

Connection begins when someone decides:

“I’m going to be the person who creates connection.”

If you want friendships, you may need to be the one who:

• starts the conversation
• extends the invitation
• gathers people together

And here’s the surprising part.

When someone does this, most people feel relieved.

Why?

Because many people are just as lonely and unsure as you are. They are simply waiting for someone to go first.

That someone could be you.

Step Two: Put Yourself Where People Are

Friendship does not happen while we are sitting at home scrolling online.

Social media can make it feel like we’re connected, but often it actually increases disconnection.

If we want real relationships, we need to put ourselves into environments where we are interacting with people face-to-face.

This might look like:

• joining a club at school
• volunteering in your community
• attending neighborhood events
• participating in activity groups

I personally believe something important has happened in society:

Volunteerism has gone down, and loneliness has gone up.

When we volunteer, we’re not only connecting with people—we’re connecting around a shared purpose.

That purpose acts like social glue.

Recently, a woman from my community reached out to me and said something that deeply moved me.

She said:

“I’ve lived here for over 15 years and I don’t know a single person.”

She told me she wanted to start volunteering because she was tired of feeling alone.

That honesty speaks to what many people are experiencing.

This is one of the reasons I invest so much time into creating neighbourhood events and helping others create them as well.

We recently launched a beta version of a course called Culture Creators. It’s a five-week program designed to teach people how to:

• lead gatherings
• host community events
• navigate conflict
• develop leadership skills

Because building community today requires intentional soft skills many of us were never taught. And if you’re reading and thinking your community could benefit from something like this, we want to duplicate it anywhere people are ready to build connection.

Step Three: Start Small Conversations

A lot of people assume friendship begins with deep conversations.

But it rarely starts there.

Friendship usually begins with something incredibly simple:

A hello.

A short question.

A small moment of courage.

Questions like:

• “How long have you lived here?”
• “What grade are you in?”
• “Have you tried this coffee before?”

These moments may feel small or insignificant, but they create pathways for connection.

Many of my long-term friendships started simply because I showed up somewhere and started a conversation—even in situations where I wasn’t sure I wanted to be there.

Step Four: Get Curious About People

Many of us spend time waiting for someone to show interest in us.

But if we wait for that, we may wait forever.

Curiosity has become surprisingly rare in our culture.

Yet curiosity is one of the most powerful tools for building connection.

People feel valued when someone is genuinely interested in them.

Instead of worrying about what you should say, try asking questions like:

• “What do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
• “What do you love about living here?”
• “What got you interested in that?”

Curiosity opens the door to understanding someone’s story.

And when people feel seen, something powerful happens.

They begin to trust.

Step Five: Create a Second Moment

This is where many potential friendships quietly end.

People have a great conversation…
And then they never see each other again.

But friendship doesn’t grow from a single interaction.

Friendship grows through repeated connection.

Sometimes the most important thing we can do is create that second moment.

This could sound like:

• “It was great meeting you. Want to grab coffee sometime?”
• “A few of us are going for a walk on Saturday—want to join?”
• “I’m hosting a small dinner. You’re welcome to come.”

These invitations turn a moment of connection into a shared experience.

My own community work actually began in a very unconventional way.

I started a dance class in my neighbourhood.

My youngest son filmed me dancing down the frozen fruit aisle in our local grocery store, and I posted the video in our community Facebook group.

The caption simply said:

“I’m starting a dance class. Who wants to join?”

The first night, six people came.

Eventually it grew to over thirty people.

It felt vulnerable.
People probably wondered who this strange woman was dancing in the grocery store.

But they showed up.

And that small risk became the beginning of something much bigger.

Step Six: Create Small Gatherings

One of the biggest myths about community building is that you need big events.

You don’t.

In fact, when it comes to friendships, smaller is often better.

Strong friendships usually begin with:

• a kitchen table, not a banquet hall
• a walk through the neighborhood, not a massive festival
• a study group or shared meal

Sometimes the invitation is simply:

“Come over.”
“Come walk with us.”
“Come join us.”

You might even create something small but consistent like:

• a weekly coffee
• a monthly dinner
• a neighborhood walk
• a workout partnership
• a study group

People are often far more open to joining something small and relational.

For example, a woman in our community started a book club.

Once a month they gather to discuss what they’ve read.

Some of the people who attend aren’t very active in other community events, but this quieter gathering fits them perfectly.

And I love that.

Not everyone wants to attend loud, busy events.

Some people long for thoughtful, smaller spaces where they can connect.

And when those spaces exist, they bring incredible life into a community.

Step Seven: Be Consistent

One great conversation does not create a friendship.

Friendship forms through rhythm.

Through seeing each other again and again.

That dance class I started?
I hosted it every single week.

Another woman in our community hosts an art class, and she shows up consistently week after week.

You could create that rhythm through something as simple as:

• a weekly coffee
• a monthly dinner
• regular neighborhood walks
• workout partners
• study sessions

Consistency creates trust.

And trust is what turns acquaintances into friendships.

The Truth About Friendship

Here’s something important I want you to remember.

Many people assume that everyone else already has plenty of friends.

People often assume that about me too.

But the truth is, I have less than five close friends.

That’s not because I don’t love people. It’s because there’s only so much capacity for deep friendships.

However, my circle of community is huge—because I’ve intentionally created it.

And the truth is that most people are simply waiting for someone to begin.

Your courage to:

• start a conversation
• invite someone
• create a gathering

might be the very thing someone else has been hoping for.

It might even change or save a life.

Community doesn’t start with a crowd.

It begins with a moment of brave connection.

A Simple Challenge for This Week

Before we finish, I want to challenge you to try three small things this week.

1. Go somewhere people gather.
   Put yourself in an environment where real interaction can happen.
2. Start one conversation.
   Think of a simple question and take that small step of courage.
3. Invite one person to something simple.
   Coffee. A walk. A quick chat.

Friendships don’t happen by accident.

They happen when someone decides to build them.

And who knows?

That person could be you.

Remember this:

We were not meant to do life alone.

We are built for connection.

And sometimes the smallest step toward another person can begin something truly beautiful.

Friends, keep being brave. 💛