The Brave Podcast

If you’re a human, you’ve experienced shame. We often have other words or phrases for it such as,

“Nothing will ever change.”

“If only I could ________”

“No one wants to hear my opinion.”

“Who am I to do that?”

“My children would be doing better if I was a better mom.”

“My students would behave if I was a better teacher.”

To be bold and courageous is the only way to build great things. I heard a speaker say this last week while attending an event for my friend Jenna who is being bold and brave to start a mental health app for children. I instantly thought, “I’ll want to build something great for schools, but it’s just too hard.” When I really thought about that statement, I realized what I really meant instead of “it’s just too hard”, is “if I were good enough, it would be easier.”

Because I do my attune-in process on a regular basis I was able to catch this pretty quick and notice it (contact me here and I’ll send you my attune-in process)

Shame is present in our lives more than we think. How do we notice it? And more importantly, how do we rise above it? I want to share with you where shame may be showing up in your life and what you can do to become resilient to it. I’m only going to touch on each of these because I have a special Shame Resilience Cheat Sheet for you at the end that will give you a quick win in kicking shame to the curb.

Caring what others think

You don’t care about what others think because you’re weak. You care about what others think because of the way your brain is wired. Your mirror neurons were made to connect with others, so “not caring” is fighting your neurobiology! However, when we are frozen because we are so afraid of what others may say or if they will judge, we know shame is right there. The anxiety you feel around this is shame in disguise.

Perfectionism

I’m not talking about those of us who are precise, I’m talking about the soul-crushing pressure we put on ourselves to make things perfect before we move forward. To know enough, be enough, have it look good enough. In the world of perfection, nothing ever gets to “good enough”. Perfectionism is shame with a mask on.

Feeling powerless

I had a conversation with a grade 12 student the other week who was telling me how he struggles with his mental health when he thinks about having a purpose. He said, “It feels like pressure to have to have a purpose. I feel much better when I think that life can just be meaningless.” This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this from a teen.

What I heard him say between the lines was, “I feel powerless to make my life count. It’s easier to numb my pain by taking the pressure off to make my life mean something.” Teens aren’t the only ones feeling this, many adults are as well. Shame is sneaky here. It will either foil our attempts to do something that feels meaningful unless it becomes BIG, or gets a lot of likes on social media, OR it will cause us to hide and not even try.

Scarcity

When there’s never enough budget, resources, time, skills, opportunities. When you’re told to stop dreaming for what can be and come back to the reality that nothing will ever change. Shame makes us feel there will never be enough.

Needing a guaranteed outcome

When we step out to risk to be brave to parent our children the way we feel in our hearts to do so, or lead our classrooms towards connection, or lead our team into brave spaces – there’s no guarantee it’s going to work out the way we want it to. Shame tells us there must be a guarantee or it’s not worth doing. The problem with that is that life is a process with no guarantees, and anything that hasn’t worked out for me in the past I would do again in a heartbeat because that process MADE ME.

Comparison

I’ve always had the strange idea that if I were beautiful, life would be easier. Right behind that is the belief that if I was smarter, I would be much further ahead. When I start thinking these things, I instantly see everyone who I believe is beautiful and smart out there crushing it. Shame loves to point them out to me.

The need to perform

Very close to the need for approval, perfectionism, and comparison is this need to perform. You could say that imposter syndrome is a branch of this root as well. Shame tells us that we need to do more, be more, achieve more to be worthy. The problem is that if we get our worth from how well we are performing, that could very easily lead us down a road of either numbing when we don’t measure up, or at the doctor’s office for meds from burnout.

The need to be cool

Sometimes I meet people who have followed me for a while either on social media or on my podcast. They seem so excited, it’s strange for me. However, I’m a bit disappointing in person because I’m just… normal, maybe even quirky. I’m not afraid to show my fun, joyful, warm side. Shame has made me wonder if I acted “cooler”, or if the gap of keeping myself mysterious would make me seem more put together. The problem is if I listen to shame, I’ll lose my favourite parts of myself, which include my joy, fun, and laughter.

No thanks.

So what do we do?

What do we do with all these expressions of shame? This is where I have a free gift for you! I have created a cheat with a remedy I use for each one of these shame gremlins. If you want it, just click here and say, “Send me the shame cheat sheet!” You can also listen to the remedies on the Brave Podcast on Spotify, Apple, or YouTube if you’re more of a verbal processor.

No matter what, keep finding your deep-rooted belonging to LEAD where you are desiring to create change. Shame resilience is one of the steps of my 6 Pillars to a Brave Leader. If you want to join my group coaching for 5 weeks starting this week, click here and join us! Or if you want more one-on-one support, click here. I am only offering this for the next 10 days, so if you know you need this, let’s do it!

Keep being brave.

Connie