Bravely Connected

This week I had the pleasure of visiting the town of Carstairs, just outside of the city I live in. A school council, an incredible administration and teachers were brave to take a school that was in trouble and turn it around and move school culture.

There was communication breakdown, disconnection, and opposition. They have now become a united front, willing to lean into the mess of what it looks like to be a village. I was blown away by their story, their bravery, and their commitment to be a strong community.

What they did was nothing short of what seems like a miracle in today’s world. It reminded me that it IS possible to see environments change. In this blog post, want to share with you 3 ways you can turn an environment around.

1. Remember, you are a powerful person

During a harrowing time when my family was grappling with my son’s mental health crisis, I found myself frantically searching for something or someone to blame. Initially, I directed my frustration at the school system and the healthcare infrastructure, but as options dwindled, my accusations turned towards my husband. This cycle of blame is often a shield against the deep-seated shame that whispers, “If you were a better mother, this wouldn’t be happening.” This left me feeling utterly powerless.

However, I eventually shifted from feeling victimized to taking charge of what was within my control. Recently, I applied this mindset with my youngest son, who has been struggling at school. We listed out what he found challenging and what was manageable. We identified the elements beyond his control and created strategies for handling them, as well as steps he could actively take to address the rest. This exercise transformed his outlook from helplessness to recognizing his own agency and capacity to make impactful choices.

This approach not only fosters resilience but also breeds joy. I witnessed a similar transformation at the school in Carstairs where the parent council had ignited significant positive change. Their pride and joy were evident, realizing they weren’t bound by circumstances but could create the change they wanted to see.

2. Move away from behaviour management

In our desire for control, we’ve reduced human interactions to mere strategies, resulting in profound disconnection. Obsessing over “The top 3 ways to get my kids to do what I want”, means losing the essence of genuine relationships. This is evident in schools where teachers, overwhelmed by the need to manage classrooms, face burnout. Similarly, parents often seek quick fixes for their children’s behaviour through counselling or medication, much like I once did, setting up endless appointments and turning to books promising miraculous changes that never materialized. I remember being the same. I would set up all kinds of appointments to manage my kids behaviours and read endless books such as, “Have a New Kid by Friday” (never happened), or “1-2-3 Magic” (which turned into 8… 15… ok I’m going to give you to 30…)

Attunement rewires the brain. When I move past my need to manage behaviour and attune out to look what’s underneath behaviour, I’m creating connection and change. What’s under behaviour are thoughts and emotions. By moving beyond merely managing behaviours to understanding the thoughts and emotions driving them, we foster deep connections and catalyze real change. Understanding ignites a sense of being heard, which naturally alters behaviours.

The shift needs to be from managing behaviour to educating about it, empowering both understanding and connection.

3. Effective Communication

When we feel misunderstood, our guard is up. Arguments, misunderstandings that lead to toxic cycles of fighting against one another rather than collaborating as a village are often preventable with the right communication skills.

Language creates culture. One of the things I did with the school at Carstairs was give them easy language to frame the culture they were creating. This kind of language framework can keep a community from spiralling back into unnecessary disconnection. I was able to give the staff, the students, and the parents these three tools:

• How to attune in (what are my emotions, thoughts, behaviours?)
• How to attune out (what behaviours am I noticing in others, what are they thinking, what emotion is attached?)
• The Empowerment Model

What is the Empowerment Model? It’s an incredible tool by Danny Silk that has transformed the way we can communicate with our kids, our students, and those who we are in the village with.

Which leads me to some exciting news!! I have become a Senior Consultant for Loving Your Students On Purpose with my friend Bernii Godwin, MSW and her company Godwin Consulting. She has an incredible program she brings to schools that builds a culture of joy, responsibility, and connection. The Empowerment Model is a part of this.

We are hosting a FREE 3 part Masterclass for Principals, School Administration, School District Leaders, Teachers, and Parents to share more on these three steps in this blog. You can register by clicking here.

I hope that the story of Carstairs inspires you to become a powerful person as well to create the change you desire to see by moving away from mere behaviour modification and implement effective communication that can build a culture where your community thrives!

Keep being brave 🙂