Where does resilience actually come from?

When someone is struggling, stuck, overwhelmed, or trying to make a change, we have a tendency to immediately look for what’s wrong.

What are you missing?

Where are you falling short?

What habit needs to change?

What weakness do you need to overcome?

What needs to be fixed?

We do it to ourselves. We do it with our kids. We do it with students. We do it in our workplaces and communities, and then we wonder why people don’t feel stronger.

We keep trying to build strength by pointing out weakness.

But what if we’ve got it backwards? What if resilience doesn’t begin with our deficits? What if resilience begins with discovering what’s already strong?

Maybe one of the most powerful questions we can ask ourselves—and one another—isn’t: What’s wrong with me?

But:

What’s strong in me?

And right alongside it:

What’s already working?

Small Wins Give Us Evidence

Think about the last time you accomplished something you weren’t sure you could do. Maybe you finally sent the email you’d been avoiding.

You walked into a room alone.

You made the phone call.

You applied for something.

You went for the walk.

You had the difficult conversation.

You shared something you’d created.

You tried something new.

It might not have looked significant to anyone else.

But something happened inside of you.

I did it.

And that matters, because now you have evidence.

Evidence that you can do hard things.

Evidence that you can move forward even when you’re afraid.

Evidence that you’re not as stuck as you thought.

Evidence that change is possible.

One small win makes another win feel possible.

Then another.

And another.

This is how confidence grows.

It’s how courage grows.

And I believe it’s one of the ways resilience grows too.

We don’t become resilient because someone repeatedly reminds us of everything we’re doing wrong. We become resilient when we begin discovering:

There is already something in me I can build from.

What Does This Have to Do With Your Dreams?

Everything.

When I talk about dreams, I’m not necessarily talking about quitting your job, moving across the world or building some enormous company.

I’m talking about whatever is inside of you that wants to come alive.

An idea.

A gift.

A passion.

A business.

Something you want to create.

Something you want to change.

Someone you want to become.

A contribution you want to make.

But here’s what happens when many of us start dreaming.

We immediately make an inventory of everything we don’t have.

I don’t have enough money.

I don’t know the right people.

I don’t have the education.

I’m not confident enough.

I don’t know anything about business.

I don’t have enough followers.

I’m too old.

I’m too young.

I’ve never done anything like this before.

Before the dream has even taken its first breath, we’ve built an entire case for why it can’t happen.

So what if we started somewhere else?

Don’t begin with what you don’t have.

Begin with what you do.

What are you already good at?

What comes naturally to you?

What do people come to you for?

What relationships do you already have?

What have you survived?

What have you learned?

What can you do today?

What do you already have in your hands?

Because dreams rarely begin with everything we need. They begin with something.

Don’t Build the Dream. Build the Next Win.

Sometimes our dreams actually become the thing that discourages us.

We make the first step enormous.

I want to write a book.

I want to start a business.

I want to change careers.

I want to get healthy.

I want to build community.

I want to create something meaningful.

And then we look at the distance between where we are today and that finished dream.

It’s huge.

So instead of inspiring us, the dream becomes evidence of how far behind we are.

That’s why I think we need a different question.

Instead of:

How am I going to make this whole thing happen?

Ask:

What would give me a win this week?

Want to write a book?

Write 500 words.

Win.

Want to start a business?

Ask one person whether they’d buy the thing you’re thinking about creating.

Win.

Want to build community?

Invite two people for coffee.

Win.

Want to reconnect with your creativity?

Make something.

Don’t sell it.

Don’t post it.

Don’t turn it into a strategy.

Just make it.

Win.

Because small wins create evidence.

And evidence changes the stories we tell ourselves.

I can’t do this.

becomes:

Maybe I can.

Maybe I can becomes:

I did.

And eventually:

I’m becoming someone who does.

That is resilience.

Now Think About Our Kids

This isn’t only about the way we see ourselves. It’s about the way we see one another.

Think about a child who’s struggling in school. Imagine how quickly the conversation around that child can become dominated by deficits.

They can’t focus.

They’re behind.

They’re disruptive.

They’re unmotivated.

They don’t listen.

They’re failing math.

They’re difficult.

And eventually, that child begins receiving a message that goes far deeper than the behaviour:

Something is wrong with me.

But what happens when a teacher—or a parent—gets curious about strength?

You’re incredibly creative.

You notice things other people miss.

You’re a leader.

You’re persistent.

You’re great with your hands.

You ask really good questions.

You make people laugh.

You care deeply about people.

Now, we’re not pretending the struggle isn’t real. We’re not abandoning boundaries, expectations, teaching or support. We’re simply refusing to make the struggle their identity, and then we can ask another powerful question:

How can I give this child a win?

Because one win can change the way a child walks into school tomorrow. One experience of I did it can begin challenging a much louder internal story of I can’t.

Parents, We Need This Too

As parents, it is remarkably easy to become full-time deficit detectors.

Clean your room.

Do your homework.

Put your phone down.

Why haven’t you done this?

How many times have I told you?

Don’t forget your lunch.

You’re going to be late!

Some of those things need to be said, but imagine being on the receiving end of correction all day. Eventually, our kids can begin believing that when we look at them, what we primarily see is what’s wrong. What if we became students of our children’s strengths? Not empty praise. Not telling them they’re incredible at everything.

Actually noticing them.

I noticed how you included that person.

You didn’t give up on that.

You’re really good at figuring things out.

You handled that differently than you would have six months ago.

That took courage.

We’re giving them evidence.

We’re saying:

Look at who you’re becoming.

What If We Did This in Our Communities?

I think we make the same mistake with communities. We enter neighbourhoods asking:

What’s wrong here?

What’s missing?

Who needs help?

What are the problems?

Where are the deficits?

Those are important questions. Communities have real needs.

But if that’s the only lens we use, something happens.

We begin seeing people as problems to solve rather than people carrying potential.

So what if we started asking different questions?

Who’s already leading here?

What’s already working?

Who knows everyone on this block?

Who makes incredible food?

Who’s good at fixing things?

Who’s the person everyone calls when they need help?

Who has an idea?

Who has a dream?

Who has lived experience that could help somebody else?

Who’s sitting on a gift nobody has ever asked about?

There is strength everywhere. Sometimes nobody has noticed it yet. And maybe community development isn’t always about bringing more resources in. Sometimes it’s about calling out what’s already there.

People Rise Differently When They’re Seen Through Strength

Imagine what could change if we began doing this intentionally.

Teacher to student.

Parent to child.

Leader to team member.

Neighbour to neighbour.

Friend to friend.

And perhaps most importantly:

You to yourself.

Because people tend to move toward the identities that continually get reinforced. If all I ever point out is your failure, eventually failure becomes part of your story, but if I help you recognize your courage…

your creativity…

your resourcefulness…

your compassion…

your persistence…

your leadership…

now we have something to build from.

Again, this doesn’t mean ignoring weakness.

It doesn’t mean pretending problems don’t exist.

It means:

Weakness doesn’t get the final word.

Try This This Week

I want to give you two challenges.

First:

Give yourself one small win.

Think about something inside of you you’ve wanted to bring alive.

Don’t figure out the entire journey.

Ask:

What’s one small thing I could do this week that would give me evidence that I’m moving?

Make the call.

Write the paragraph.

Ask the question.

Sign up.

Create the thing.

Invite the person.

Send the email.

Take the walk.

One win.

That’s it.

Then I want you to do something else.

Give someone else a win.

Notice strength in someone.

Your child.

A student.

Your partner.

A coworker.

A neighbour.

Someone who’s struggling.

And say:

“Do you know what I notice about you?”

Then tell them.

Not flattery.

Something real.

You never know what might happen when someone finally begins seeing themselves through the lens of possibility instead of deficiency.

Maybe This Is Where Resilience Begins

Maybe resilience isn’t built by obsessing over everything that’s wrong with us.

Maybe it grows when we discover what’s already strong—and use that strength to take one step.

Then another.

Then another.

Until one day we look back and realize:

Something came alive.

The dream didn’t arrive all at once.

We grew into it.

One small act of courage.

One relationship.

One opportunity.

One win at a time.

So this week, instead of asking:

What’s wrong with me?

Ask:

What’s strong in me?

Instead of:

Why am I not there yet?

Ask:

What’s one win I can create from where I am?

And when you look at the people around you, don’t only ask what they need.

Ask:

What’s already inside of them that might just need someone to notice it?

Because sometimes resilience begins when someone looks at us and says:

I see something in you.

And sometimes bringing something alive begins when we finally learn to say that to ourselves.